musings...

I have met the most lovely boy.

I haven't wanted to blog about him before for fear of jinxing it, but I think it might be safe to now! He's a perfect gent who sent me flowers to work after our third date (and every girl loves that), has organised a weekend away to a beautiful city in Europe for this weekend, and who, bafflingly, thinks I am a lovely girl and appears to like me as much as I like him! And did I mention he's funny, intelligent, and bloody cute?! He makes it easy to be with him; I don't have to analyse texts for hidden meanings or wonder why he hasn't called. Is this how it's meant to be? I'm hoping so.

In other news, I am still redundant(!) but trying hard to get my CV out there and calling in favours from everyone I know who might have contacts who could help me. I am constantly being surprised by the kindness of other people who take time and effort to help me. It seems sometimes that everyone has belief in me apart from myself. Maybe I should stop being so hard on myself but three redundancies down and you so start to think maybe it's something more than just bad luck!

I reckon a long weekend away is just what I need...

what I'm doing wrong

Things I have done for the first time this week:

- ridden a motorbike (pillion!)
- eaten lobster
- sang 'swing low sweet chariot' with thousands of others at a rugby game
- peed in the gents(!)

What next?

It always strikes me that one of the saddest things about breaking up is that you are supposed to turn off any feelings and contact with someone in the space of an instant. Half-finished conversations are left hanging, future plans are binned, and you're meant to carry on as if everything is normal, even though there's a person-shaped hole in your life.

I find it hard to get my head round the fact that one day a guy can be lying in my bed, privy to my thoughts, my dreams, my body. The next day he can call it off and just like that I'm meant to be ok with the fact I'm never going to speak to him again. Just like that. I think, for anyone who has even the tiniest amount of compassion and who cares for other people, that this aspect of a break up is one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. It doesn't matter if you have been together months or years. Being told that with immediate effect you are supposed to turn off those feelings and that closeness, is incredibly difficult.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if there IS an answer. Time? Perhaps. Space? Probably. But knowing that with time and space the person-shaped hole will gradually become smaller, doesn't help right now. The lines of communication have been jammed shut, the in-jokes and future plans have been tossed aside, and I'm expected to be just fine with it.

I got dumped!

I don't really know what I did.

Ok so I had a bit of a low day on Saturday (feeling down about these allergy problems and the side effects of the medicines), I had a bit of a whinge I'll admit.

But I more than made up for it on Monday with a fabulous meal and night out I planned for him.

I just can't believe it.

I feel sick. I can't believe I am back to square one and I ruined something without even realising it. What the hell is wrong with me?

He rings me when he says he will (and sometimes just because), he says what he means, he's happy to tell people about us, there's no game playing, he'll laugh at me when it's deserved and support me when it's needed. I wonder where's the catch then realise that (so far!) there isn't one.

I could get used to this.

So... It's been confirmed. I'm another victim of Sir Fred 'the Shred', I'm on three months' notice (which isn't as bad as it could be I guess), and I now have the dubious honour of having had three redundancies in the five years since I've graduated. Hmm.

However, in the 24 hours following that:

- My dissertation proposal got approved (pending a few tweaks but that's nothing to worry about)
- My boyfriend (how I love saying that!) cooked me a yummy dinner and provided tea, wine, hugs and sympathy in equal measure.
- I was invited to a party which I'm both looking forward to and a little nervous about (seeing as I'll be meeting a couple of said boyfriend's friends, for the first time )
- I got seen to by a consultant who, after four months of being passed around various doctors, finally took my allergic reactions seriously and signed me up for a load of tests to get to the bottom of it.

So. I lost my job, but life goes on. Just watch me.

I'm sat here at my desk having lost any final shred of motivation or enthusiasm for the job at hand. I had a meeting this morning and was told that the redundancy process is nearly over and the final decisions will be announced a week on Monday. So I have a little under two weeks before I find out my fate, and until then/because of that I feel like I have no energy to do the jobs I'm supposed to be doing here.

Good news though I passed all three exams last weekend and so now officially have my Coastal Skipper Theory certificate. Only six months now until the boats start the round the world race, and only just over a year until I hop on board for my leg across the Atlantic! It should be something to look forward to but with everything going on at work it seems a long way off.

Unfortunately the ennui is also extending to my uni work. I have a deadline of Friday for my thesis proposal... But it's nowhere near ready.

However folks, all is not lost! Hang on to your seats... It appears Stella may have found herself a plus one. Remember the boy who kissed me a month or so ago? Fast forward a few dates and a LOT more kisses; he said the 'boyfriend' word on Saturday

Virgo man + Aquarius woman = ???

And I'm not good when someone has a secret but won't tell me! I'm being taken out on a mystery date tonight, but I don't know where. My only clue is 'London'. I'm meeting him after work and then... who knows!

I know he had to book it, but it's not a restaurant...

Hmmm