I have signed up to do a cross-channel sail in three months' time. Yes you read that right. I have never been sailing before but I have now got just over 90 days in which to get my competent crew certificate and some sailing practice in, and then I'll be off on a long weekend attempting to help crew a yacht all the way to France!

And why the hell not.

While I don't really want to get too deep and metaphorical here, the last few days of glorious sun seem to me to be a reminder that life goes on, change happens, every ending means a new beginning etc etc. I spent yesterday picnicking in Regents' park with a couple of friends, and while honestly my mind was never far from J, I did enjoy myself and managed to make it home in one piece having A- consumed an awful lot of alcohol over the course of the day yet B- not made any witching hour phone calls or texts to J due to having imbibed said alcohol, nor C- breaking down in tears. So I think that is progress.

Also as mentioned previously, J had come back to London for a night out with the gang last night and I honestly expected some kind of message from him (when you've had a few you contact the person on your mind and all that), but no texts or calls appeared. So I guess his silence speaks volumes. It's sad because even though it was only for a few months, I learnt an AWFUL lot from that relationship; for the first time I think I acted like an mature adult as opposed to a clingy paranoid girlfriend, and I am going to allow myself to be proud of that fact. Because after a few of the lying cheaters I have had in the past, I learnt the lesson that no all men are NOT the same, and punishing the new one for the mistakes of the old one is neither fair nor necessary. J helped me to see that. While I don't condone or appreciate how he ended it - by sending that email he is a coward to say the least - thankfully we had not spent so much time together that it is going to take me forever and a day to get over it. I'd like to think that at some point in the future, he will realise what we could have had, and what I was so committed to having, and wish that he could have it back. But by then of course it will be too late...

I realised yesterday that my next eight weekends are already booked in. Some effort hey! Whether it's a girly holiday to the Greek isles with my best friend, going home for some school-reunion nights out, day courses for the masters, London drinks, or going on some sailing weekends in the Solent in order to get my competent crew certificate, I have got a lot to look forward to over the next few months. Sadly before any of those can take place, I have a 2,000 word essay to write for my course. The deadline was on Friday (oops) so I had better get cracking. Is it possible to do in a day? When the sun is trying to tempt me outside?! There's only one way to find out....

Oh god this is hard I'm so useless at pretending I am cool and not bothered by all this! His best friend's girlfriend, L, (the one who helped me organise J's leaving do) rang me the other night to tell me how stupid she thought he was, which was nice of her. She said she was going to tell him so too when he comes up to london tomorrow night for their friend's party.

God I wish I was going to that party.

(Obviously as J's girlfriend and not to hear what L has to say to him!)

I am so tired and stressed (work has been terrible this week, I have even polished up my CV and started to job hunt) that I have let my masters work slide which isn't a very clever idea I know. I got an extension on an essay deadline until today, but guess what I haven't actually even started it yet, let alone completed the baackground reading for it. Balls. What am I going to do?

On a slightly cheesy note I reverted back to my teeny-bopper days last night and ventured up to Birmingham to see the backstreet boys. They were bloody awesome! And it did make me feel a little emotional thinking that the first time I saw them live was nine years ago, aged just 16. How simple things all seemed then. Sigh.

so the 'i love you' wasn't real, he's worried he can't settle down south if he's seeing me, he thinks he wants a fresh start, he's been thinking this since before he moved down, he didn't want to tell me because i am always so happy that he didn't want to upset me.

on the other hand he'd like to be proved wrong and see what happens, without my knowledge he's asked his friends who are getting married in italy in july if i can come as his plus one, i am the only one who can put up with him, i am invited to meet his parents at an event in three weeks' time, he wants to see if it can work out.

he was crying again. i know what you're going to say because i'm saying it myself "the boy is confused he doesn't know what he wants, walk away, if he can say these things to you he doesn't want to be with you". please don't tell me this because i don't want to hear it right now but in the spirit of keeping this blog real and truthful i had to give you an update.

So. I am sure you all want to know about the great success that was J's surprise party, about how all his friends came, got very drunk, had a fabulous night and didn't get to bed til 4am.

I'm also sure you want to know about the move down south, packing up the belongings and whizzing down the M3 with terrible hangovers and 4 hours' sleep, and the fabulous weekend we had in his new flat.

And I'm even more sure you want to know the story behind the very first I love you's!

However work's a nightmare today so you're all just going to have to wait!

Hahaha....

....Yay!

So, I got his best friend A to send out a round robin email on my behalf (seeing as A has everyone's email addresses) and told them to meet at 8pm at his local on Thursday. Plan being that I'll try to drag him to the bar for 8.30... Now I'm just nervous that everyone will turn up and also I hope J is up for a drink on thursday, or even worse that he doesn't cancel seeing me! I am so thrilled and so excited to be organising this for him because I know he's going to love seeing his friends before he leaves as I know how much they mean to him. Also the response from his friends on their RSVPs has all been really positive so fingers crossed it'll all fall into place.

One of the replies to my blog from last night was from sidejump who said that she had been reading through my previous posts and wasn't sure whether the surprise idea was a good one, based on things I had previously written. It got me thinking...

I think I am probably guilty of only blogging about the bad times. I think this is because for most people, when things are hitting a rough patch, it's nice to be able to treat other people as a sounding board: am I doing the right thing, is this acceptable, what shall I do next, has anyone been in this position before, should I walk away, am I being taken for granted? It's reassuring to read others' comments and advice. However when things are going well then I think I for one am guilty of not talking about this, probably because I think it'd make a boring post! So, I'd like to correct this:

For the last few weeks, things have been really good. J's even been to stay at mine a couple of nights and has met my housemates. His parents have invited me to join them as J's partner at a posh do in May, and in return my dad has even asked me if J would like to come with us to another do in the summer! We've been on nights out with his friends and one Friday I even had the day off for a bit of lazy 'us time' which was brilliant.

And now, so soon, he is leaving to go 90 miles away. Not the end of the world I'll admit but still in all selfish honesty I'd prefer if it wasn't happening. I've booked the day off on Friday to help him with his packing up his London flat and he said he'd like it if I travelled down to the new place with him and stay a night or two. We've also had 'the talk' about the fact that now we have come to this bridge how are we going to cross it; he said he was definitely 'in' on this relationship and wants us to be together. I don't know how much more I could ask for right now considering I have to understand he will need the time and support to settle in to his new home, city and job.

And so it falls to me, as the supportive girlfriend, to do everything I can to help him. If I am brutally honest, by planning this leaving do, it allows me to forget for a moment that in just three short days my brilliant boyfriend is not going to be a short tube ride away; that he can't just pop to meet me for lunch or after work; and that seeing each other is going to mean planning the time and making the effort. The Stella who started this blog a year ago would have been beside herself with worry as to what would happen and how things would turn out. But if a year of living in this crazy city has taught me anything, it's the cliche that whatever life throws at you, you have just got to find a way of getting on with things. You've got to roll with it.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

Euston station, last night.

A man was waiting on the platform for somone off my train. He had a bunch of flowers and was clearly dying to see her. But, she didn't turn up. I was almost last off the train and there was clearly no one getting off the train who he recognised. He looked really worried and was texting, calling. He came out onto the main concourse, frowning he looking at the arrivals board, checking he had the right platform; he was so bewildered. It didn't make sense to him. She should have been there. He got his phone out again, checking it, all the meantime holding these flowers. He went back onto the platform, searching, a good few minutes had passed. Eventually right at the top of the platform this girl comes into view. Walking slowly along, weighed down with baggage. She must have been in the very last seat of the very last carriage. He runs down to her, flowers bobbing all over the place. They meet halfway along the platform and he gives her a huge hug and the biggest kiss of her life. Not forgetting the flowers.

I'd love someone to care about me that much.

Yesterday J went home for the night. I sent him a quick text at dinner time but then left it because I thought he'd be too busy catching up with his mum and dad, relaxing at home, as you do.

At midnight I get a goodnight text, how was my day etc? But I was asleep so obviously didn't answer it. This morning I was rushing around to get to work for an early meeting, so didn't answer it then either. When I get out of the meeting not only do I have a text from him but also a missed call and an answerphone message asking if I've dropped off the face of the planet?!

Now I happen to think this is quite sweet and funny but at the same time can't help thinking that if this was the other way round, a girl trying to get hold of a guy, the guy probably wouldn't be too happy. She'd get classed as needy, bunny boiler, clingy, etc! I know I for one would never leave a message asking if he'd disappeared off the face of the earth, even as a joke, for precisely this reason!

Guess double standards are still alive and kicking...

I spent all of Friday and Saturday thinking about what had happened Friday morning. Something didn't quite add up about why he wouldn't show me the text. I decided I had to get to the bottom of it.

So, I went over to his flat on Saturday night. I was so nervous but eventually I managed to get the words out. I actually used a phrase from one of phoenix2k's comments (thanks p2k!) - and said to him that I can give the benefit of the doubt so far (eg taking the you know whats on holiday) but there comes a point at which it's taking the piss and I thought that this was taking the piss. I said that the fact he wouldn't show me what he'd sent her meant that clearly there was something dodgy on there. I implied that I needed to know the truth or it was over.

He could tell I was serious because immediately he admitted that ok yes he had told her when he was next down south (which is why he didn't show me the text) but the reasoning was that (like me) he wasn't sure if I would change my mind about seeing him on Thursday. He'd sent it before we met, when he didn't know if I would turn up - and so had her on the back-burner so to speak. So I said ok, thats fine, I can understand that, but have you been in touch since yesterday morning (when he sent the text saying sorry but I'm back with my ex now)? He replied that he did once later on that day because she wouldnt stop asking him why we couldnt meet up. I wasn't very happy with this but then he actually showed me what he'd sent her...

She'd said 'I thought you said you hadn't found the right girl yet?' and his reply was 'I just realised she was the nearest I've come to the right girl in a long time and I'd given up too easily'.

So then I said ok well let's draw a line under it now, but if I EVER get a sniff of anything dodgy going on again then that is it, it's over, and he said yes understood! He got upset again then, tears welled up, and I said why? He replied that he thought I was about to end it with him and he didn't want that. I said I didn't want to do that either but now we are back on track you've got to prove and show to me that this is what you really want - because it's what I really want. And he promised he would.

...I'm seeing J tomorrow (fingers crossed!) So deciding that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach I'm about to go and bake a belated chocolate birthday cake! OK so it's from a mix but he won't need to know that! Wish me luck... :-)