They say don't go looking, because you'll find something you don't want to see. And they're right. And you know that. But what do you do, when you're all alone, the opportunity is there, and the temptation is just too great?
You look, that's what you do. You read the emails and scan the contents. You see what he's sent and who he's sent it to. It's all stuff you already know, no surprises, and you tell yourself you should stop. But oh, he is so far away, you have all afternoon to keep looking if you want to. And you can't tear yourself away, it's a forbidden fruit, you don't know what you're looking for.
Until eventually, inevitably, you find it.
A chain of emails over the last week, sent at times when he was with you, but you were in the bedroom getting ready to go out for dinner, or in the shower, or in the kitchen getting a drink.
She started it. But then 'she' always does doesn't she? That way you can tell yourself he just fell into it, being flattered by the attention. 'She' is married, it doesn't stop her emailing him, my boyfriend, asking him to tell her again how he used to fancy her, how she has had a long day and needs cheering up. How kind of him that he decided to make her day then, with a message about how he still fancies her, and saying, if she's ever around, to give him a call.
It goes on. You sit there on his sofa, the sick feeling in your stomach, trying to take it all in at once. Not knowing what to focus on first - the dates and times, the content, the nuances? Trying to piece it all together. The jokes about what would happen on their first and third dates. Him, my boyfriend, playfully asking what he'd get on the second. You look at the calendar and see that when he sent that, you were having a romantic night in (or so you thought). It goes on. You can imagine the rest.
So there you are. You erase the history and stem the flow of tears. Does it mean anything? Can it be forgiven? Of course, you can't say anything to him. You were looking somewhere you had no right to look. But then, he was saying things he had no right to say. You always thought that people would never feel the need to do or say things like that to others, unless there was a problem in their own relationship. Is that how he feels? Is he not happy with you? Are you not enough? Is it just harmless flirting and nothing to worry about, or should he not be sending these messages, whatever the content, in snatched moments when you are not around? So many questions. Questions you can't ask him. Questions you can't answer.
And to make matters worse, now, of course, you are working with him. So there you are in the office, being off with him. He's being off with you and your guilty conscience means that you're not quite sure if that's in response to your unusual behaviour, or because you didn't delete the history properly? Does he know you know? And what happens next?
If only I could find the answers, as easily as I found those emails.
