So I went out last night - girly night, watch out lads, that sort of thing.  As you know i'm a single gal now so if a nice guy caught my eye i was the first to go up and say hello! 

However, with two such guys, the response was: 'Sorry, I'm gay!'

What are the odds of that?  Is 'I'm gay' the new 'I'm just not that into you?'  Are they trying to spare your feelings?  Or is it just that my gay-dar was working overtime last night!? 

M ended it yesterday. For good.

"Nothing's changed..... I'm sorry"

It's been a few days since I posted - went down to London to see some friends and have a look round some areas with a view to living in them - I think I am going for clapham but that's a different story....

Right now I feel completely sick and awful, I haven't heard from M since a brief chat on msn on sunday before I left to go to London.  Since then, nothing (I haven't contacted him either).  Anyway I get in today from a day out with my mum and I see on Facebook he's created an event for this gig on Friday, one which we'd spoken about and he'd invited me to before easter.  Well, he's invited literally everyone except for me and so that for me is the signal that no, I am probably never going to hear from him again.  I don't understand.  I need help understanding.  Why string me along and say and do those things if really he just wasn't bothered?  Why didn't he say something a long time ago?  Why would you do that to someone?  And then finally, if you DO want to end it with someone, why this blanking??  Why didn't he say something last Friday? I even said to him the words: is there anything you want to talk about, and he said NO!

Anyway cos of all these thoughts in my head i sent him an email an hour ago.... "Are we not speaking?" 

I want a reply.... even though I know that is very naive and stupid of me!  I just can't tell you how sick I am feeling right now, in the pit of my stomach.  It's really awful.

Briefly, because I am SO tired... As you know, I was meeting M yesterday for coffee, and the first time I've seen him since his whole "I need space, I think I still have feelings for the ex, I need time to think" speech a few weeks ago.  So I am building myself up for a thoroughly awkward conversation, tears etc.  It seemed that would be the case when I tried to arrange it: Me - where do you fancy? Him - anywhere. Me - Well X or Y? Him: Your call. And so on - a less enthusiastic person you could not find!  Anyway, I got there, no kiss hello (well, it was to be expected), but then we spent 2 hours over coffee, chatting away, about all sorts.  I kept thinking: right - any minute - the awkward conversation's gonna start.  But it never did.  And I sure as heck wasn't gonna bring it up!  So then we walk back, I was about to leave (but in hindsight I think I looked like I didn't want to, I still wanted to carry on talking), so eventually he got the hint and invited me up 'for a cup of tea' (HAHA).  Well, that was at 4pm, I left at... 1am!  We were jamming, talking a bit, and errr yes did the deed too (even though I felt he wasn't too sure about it - I mean, I didn't even get a goodbye kiss later).  And all the while, the 'I need space thing' just didn't come up.  Now at one point I did say to him, isn't there anything you want to say about it, anything you need to say?  And he just replied, No, not really.  Which I took to mean he is still in the 'I need time" phase...??  I was too much of a coward to press further.  I was also too much of a coward to tell him I am moving away. 

Now, I know how this sounds!!  I know you are reading this and thinking how can this 'situation' possibly be wholly satisfying to anyone involved??  And I know it's not!  I don't know what I am holding out for.  On the one hand I want him to declare his undying love.  On the other I want him to completely end it so I can finally start to move on.  Cos I know that's how it's going to end up.   I suppose I am in a situation where anything is better than nothing right now.  The thing is, I know I could really fall for this guy.  It's like I'm addicted to him.  And it's because of that, that I'm letting myself put up with this shitty no-man's land situation.  We both know it's not working.  Yet neither of us is ending it!  Yet.........

PS I have just remembered something REALLY weird.  In my last post, I talked about the Damian Rice song, The Blower's Daughter ("I can't take my mind off you..") - Well when he was playing last night, he only started to play it out of the blue didn't he!  I asked for some Damian Rice, and there it was.... I was singing along, but I don't think he realised that deep down - I was singing to him.

Good news first - I got the job - and not only did I get the job, but there's an opportunity to transfer to their London office after 3 months - now you tell me how perfect would THAT be, given my plans discussed last week!  I start a week on Monday, so I have all of next week to prepare, oh and also to write my next mastersmessay, all 2,000 words of it!

Now moving on to the news that makes my belly do somersaults.. tomorrow i am supposedly seeing M for coffee... to say that he doesnt seem very enthused would be an understatement.  He'll probably cancel.  I am bricking it, I think we all know it's not going to be good news, or a very pleasant conversation, but at the same time I know it has to be done (closure??) no matter how shit I'm going to feel afterwards.  I actually felt sick earlier thinking about it.  I like him SO much.  In the car I had Damien Rice's album 'O' on, it got to the end of track 3 and I was crying:

And so it is / Just like you said it would be / Life goes easy on me / Most of the time / And so it is / The shorter story / No love, no glory / No hero in her skies

I can't take my eyes off you / I can't take my eyes off you /I can't take my eyes...

And so it is / Just like you said it should be / We'll both forget the breeze / Most of the time / And so it is / The colder water / The blower's daughter / The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you / I can't take my eyes off you / I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you? / Did I say that I want to / Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you / I can't take my mind off you / I can't take my mind off you / I can't take my mind off you / I can't take my mind off you

And it's so true - I can't take my mind off him.  I don't want to leave it all behind.  But I think tomorrow, my hand's gonna be forced.  It's gonna be a horrible conversation....

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Well... I've got a second interview - Wednesday at 1pm! The interview on Friday went really well, I liked the sound of the job and it seems they liked me too - so now apparently it's between me and one other girl... It's a good company, good money, a 3 month contract which would really fit in with my plans AND there's the possibility the job might move to London! Now how neat would that be?! So keep your fingers crossed!

This weekend - met up with an old uni friend for lunch on Sat, had a heavy night out with my cousin +his mates, and just come back from my parents' where I had some yummy sunday dinner Oh and I've bought a big fold out street map of london, the plan is to plot where all my mates are living and then maybe I'll have a better idea of where I should be looking? Well, it's either that or stick a pin in the map.

M came back on Friday night now his Easter hols are over... I asked if he fancied a coffee sometime this week and we've arranged to do something on Friday... so fingers crossed again everybody, A) that he doesn't cancel and that maybe he will have come to a conclusion?? I know it's stupid because if I'm moving away then we don't have a future anyway (done the whole long distance thing before - never again!) but I think it's something to do with wanting someone to want you??? It doesn't help of course that he is devastatingly gorgeous either!!

Tomorrow I really should go to a gym class, then I'm going for a luvverly back massage, then the library I think - less than 3 weeks til my next essay's due in and the pressure's on! Busy busy busy - how did I ever fit a full time job in too?!

So, I'm back home (bloody sunburnt too may I add), I have a job interview tomorrow for a temp job to tide me over til the move to London. Slowly started telling people of my plans, the ones in london are very encouraging, the ones up here don't understand why i'd want to go... but those reactions are to be expected i suppose. Realised I have 3 weeks until I have to hand in my next essay, eek, where did that time go! Apart from that my diary's starting to fill up over the next few weekends which is nice, with BBQs, nights out etc.

As for M - well we spoke over the Easter weekend and he was very non committal, he was still finding it 'strange' to be back in touch with the ex (the one he still has feelings for, how sweet), and he still needs 'thinking time'. Hmmmmm. I haven't told him about my plans to go away, I think it's pretty obvious that when he comes home and I see him he's gonna say it's not working out - which I am prepared for - cos then I can say, well actually I'm moving away! And I bet you he won't even CARE a jot - but hey it makes me look as though I'm not going to sit around moping for him...:D

Since I came back home though from my weekend, he's been very hot and cold - one night we stayed up all hours on MSN, the next I don't hear from him at all. Ah well. Ain't nothing I can do - instead I just gotta carry on with my life and make sure I press 'play' not 'pause'. Hence the filling of the diary I suppose. I'm still reeling over the 'Eureka' moment in my last blog, let me know what you think....

It's late, I'm tired, and I'm in a hotel in Southampton.... but I just had to get this out...  MoonBunny, you said in one of your comments: Is this worth it?  And I asked myself, driving back to the hotel tonight, is carrying on with this 'relationship', really worth it?  (Especially after the conversation M and I had at 1am this morning, which I'll discuss when I get back home)

But then, i realised the answer.  It just came to me.  I think everyone has a mental 'checklist' of their ideal partner, what they look for. Not just in terms of looks but everything else too - personality, intelligence, opinions, beliefs, morals.  Now, I have one of these checklists... and M is the first person I've met who ticks every box.  But what struck me was:

When I imagined myself finding the person who ticked all my boxes, not once did I consider the possibility that I might not tick theirs.  That part didn't even figure in my plan, in the scheme.  In my head it would all be happy ever after.  And having to accept that there's no riding off into the sunset with this one is possibly the hardest part of what's happening to me right now.

You know when you know someone's online, whether it's their facebook status, on myspace 'online now' or whatever, but they're not showing up on msn? so you know they're ignoring you on purpose and it's sooooo annoying?

That's what M's doing now

• For my health - asthma is well and under control, no aches and pains, and no spring flu
• For my family - mum and dad who will do anything for me
• That I have had the opportunity (time, funding) to study my masters
• For the beautiful sunset this evening

After feeling ill from too much toblerone (see last night's post), lunch today was good - together we decided London is the way forward for me.  So, I have three months (until my rent is up) to come up with a plan to make it happen.  And, in the meantime, find a temp job to start paying back some of this overdraft!  As for M... again, a few texts.. this is the second day now he's said we'll talk, but it hasn't happened yet.  On the one hand I don't want to waste time holding my breath, but on the other I'm the sort of person who, when I have a problem or issue with someone, I have to sort it out with them right away - I'm crap holding onto it and dwelling on it.  So really, however much I just carry on with things it's there at the back of my mind, like a dirty black worm just burrowing away.  Which isn't healthy I know.  But what can I do??

On a lighter note I have to go and pack now, I'm going to the south coast for a few days, take my mind off things so to speak.  So in true Brit style, I'm off to put the kettle on   Take care everyone and enjoy your weekend 

Well, I've arranged to meet my cousin P for lunch today. which means i've had a shower and got dressed... for the first time this week I think, which is pretty bad I know.

M texted last night to say we'd speak today.. great. That's going to be a *really* enjoyable conversation! Oh, who am I kidding? We won't talk today. It's just more lies from him

It's so easy saying tomorrow is a different day, but really when you wake up and everything's the same, it's very hard not to ACT the same. so although i'm going to say that tomorrow will be a fresh start, i'll pick myself up and make the most of the day, it might be very hard to actually do that.

QUESTION is it just me or.... do there seem to be two sorts of people in the world - the first sort, when things aren't going very well in one area of their life (work, relationships etc) they don't let that affect the OTHER areas of their life - they still go out, do the things they always do. Then there's the other set of people, (the minority I would say) like me, who when they have such a problem, let it affect all other areas of their life? So my example is - feeling crap in the relationship side of things so - it's affecting the rest of my life - i've got no motivation, i don't want to go anywhere, go out or do things. It's really debilitating. I know what the problem is, so, why can't I fix it? Any ideas welcome...

Well, I can't hang around waiting any longer. I've bought a book, 'Mind over Mood', and I'm going to work through it and make sure I don't waste any more of my time hanging around for someone. I've booked in for a physio session next week hopefully she can hammer out all this tension i carry around in my shoulders.. I want to let go of all this stress! My dad's going down to the south coast to potter around in his little boat over Easter (any excuse to get away from mum I think), and he's said do I fancy going with him for a few days? So I've said yes, I love being by the sea and I think a bit of space will be good. Well... M said he needed space so by going down south I reckon I'm giving him 291 miles of it! Haha

Also it will give me a chance to work out where to go from here. Do i stay where I am, get a job, near to family and friends? Or do I make the big leap down to london, where I do have friends but also a lot of questions and what ifs.. What if I do it and I waste another 2.5 years?? What if I can't afford it? What if it's lonely?

Anyway I just read someone's blog where they said they were off to have some toblerone - well I think that's a bloody good idea! Off to the shops...

(OH and yes M did reply to my text from this afternoon - he asked what's up, i said well everything and nothing really - have heard nothing since though )

...Well another day, it's lovely outside yet i am sat here waiting... for what? for him to ring me up and say oh actually all feelings for the ex have gone and it's you i want to be with? really i know it's for the best, he's planning a year away in the US, and i should really use this opportunity to move down to london, but, but, but (and i KNOW this is lame) - I really like him. there, I've said it. In the 18 months I've been single i've probably had as many first dates and this one is the first one i could really see something happening with

It sucks that these 'feelings' he has are nothing i can do about - there's nothing I can do or say to make them go away (is there??) I just don't know why, if he doesn't want to see me anymore, he doesn't just SAY SO. Why this drawn out process??

I've just texted him to ask if he's on msn later.. wonder how long it'll take to get a reply.. I don't know what i want to say to him if/when he does come on. Til then I'll guess I'll carry on waiting - this really isn't good for my health

i should be in bed... but once again i'm destined to a late night and an afternoon wake up - and all because of a guy... why do we let them have such an effect on us?? i'm currently 'on hold' while he sorts hmself out.. it just seems so cruel. and sod's law too, the one you wants never wants you, but the guys you are never interested in can't wait to take you out again! sometimes i really do wonder how the whole partner-for-life thing is going to work - what if i never meet THAT person? it's a pretty scary thought..