Briefly, because I am SO tired... As you know, I was meeting M yesterday for coffee, and the first time I've seen him since his whole "I need space, I think I still have feelings for the ex, I need time to think" speech a few weeks ago.  So I am building myself up for a thoroughly awkward conversation, tears etc.  It seemed that would be the case when I tried to arrange it: Me - where do you fancy? Him - anywhere. Me - Well X or Y? Him: Your call. And so on - a less enthusiastic person you could not find!  Anyway, I got there, no kiss hello (well, it was to be expected), but then we spent 2 hours over coffee, chatting away, about all sorts.  I kept thinking: right - any minute - the awkward conversation's gonna start.  But it never did.  And I sure as heck wasn't gonna bring it up!  So then we walk back, I was about to leave (but in hindsight I think I looked like I didn't want to, I still wanted to carry on talking), so eventually he got the hint and invited me up 'for a cup of tea' (HAHA).  Well, that was at 4pm, I left at... 1am!  We were jamming, talking a bit, and errr yes did the deed too (even though I felt he wasn't too sure about it - I mean, I didn't even get a goodbye kiss later).  And all the while, the 'I need space thing' just didn't come up.  Now at one point I did say to him, isn't there anything you want to say about it, anything you need to say?  And he just replied, No, not really.  Which I took to mean he is still in the 'I need time" phase...??  I was too much of a coward to press further.  I was also too much of a coward to tell him I am moving away. 

Now, I know how this sounds!!  I know you are reading this and thinking how can this 'situation' possibly be wholly satisfying to anyone involved??  And I know it's not!  I don't know what I am holding out for.  On the one hand I want him to declare his undying love.  On the other I want him to completely end it so I can finally start to move on.  Cos I know that's how it's going to end up.   I suppose I am in a situation where anything is better than nothing right now.  The thing is, I know I could really fall for this guy.  It's like I'm addicted to him.  And it's because of that, that I'm letting myself put up with this shitty no-man's land situation.  We both know it's not working.  Yet neither of us is ending it!  Yet.........

PS I have just remembered something REALLY weird.  In my last post, I talked about the Damian Rice song, The Blower's Daughter ("I can't take my mind off you..") - Well when he was playing last night, he only started to play it out of the blue didn't he!  I asked for some Damian Rice, and there it was.... I was singing along, but I don't think he realised that deep down - I was singing to him.