If like me, you find that the beauty of songs is in their lyrics, I urge you to download a song by a young unsigned British artist, Karima Francis. The link is below, the song is 'The Author', it's quick and free.

As you may know I'm in a pretty dark place at the moment but this girl's voice is absolutely amazing; so raw. It's like she's captured all the emotion I'm going through right now and it's tumbling out in this amazing, beautiful song. I can't help but cry when I listen to it....

http://www.indiestore.com/karimafrancis

I am completely devoid of any motivation or joie de vivre today, I pulled a sickie at work and have spent the day in bed doing absolutely nothing but waste time facebook-stalking on the internet.

But, briefly, Thursday's reparations were not successful. He met me at the station, he took me home, we spent the first half of the evening making pleasant conversation all the while avoiding the 'IT'S NOT WORKING OUT' elephant that was in the room.

Eventually, come 10pm, I cracked. I said this was stupid. You're telling me it's not working out yet here we are having a completely normal evening (apart from the not kissing, hugging etc). We get on great. So what the hell's the problem?

I'm just not happy, he said. It's just not what I want right now. It's nothing to do with you, I just don't feel it's working out right now.

I stayed overnight. I sobbed my heart out in his arms. He lay there holding me so tight as I told him how much I was going to miss him. He said I was so special and that he'd miss me too. He said perhaps in the future things would be different, who knows? It was an awful night. I cried there in his bed til nearly 4. I didn't want to go to sleep because I knew if I did it would only mean I'd have to wake up, and leave.

One thought that got me so upset was thinking about all the lovely things he'd said to me, not three, four weeks previously. I told him so and he said, what's the point in thinking about those? Because that's how you once felt and I want to know what's changed, I wanted to scream... Because I want to know why we can't get back to that!

Friday morning we went for lunch before he dropped me at the station. Once again we were chatting away as normal, the same in jokes, the same smiles, but no kisses or affection. At one point i shook my head, he asked me why? I said, I'm sorry, I just don't understand. I can't. He said, but we've already spoken about this. True I thought, but I didn't understand then and I don't understand now.

He dropped me off at the station. I watched his car leave, trying to hide the tears streaming down my face. As my train pulled in, I texted him: I'm sorry for getting so upset last night but understand it's only because I care about you so much. You're so special... Whatever it would take to be with you, I'd do.

He replied. You are very special too. I just don't think it's working out at the moment. I'm really sorry it's had to be like this.

As for the future.... Who knows?

Ok, so since Tuesday night I have heard nothing. Radio silence, as they say.

My train out of London will be leaving in just over three hours' time... and he's supposedly picking me up at the other end.

I think my chances of talking him around are slimmer than Victoria Bekcham. And if (when) that's the case, god am I going to be gutted. Absolutely heartbroken.

One of my friends asked me why I was going? But it's ok for her, she's found the love of her life and moved in with him after six months. They've just got a dog and everything's la-di-da. She doesn't understand.

Another, my cousin, was a bit more circumspect. If you really like someone, she reasoned, then you just have to put your heart on the line. After all, what have you got to lose apart from your pride?! Ha. That last bit tickled me.

That's right. Been on the phone for two hours. I kinda knew it was coming. I said can we talk about this on Thursday please, face to face. He said he'd rather not because he's been thinking about it all day and had to say it. I said well I've been at work all day, we're 100 miles away, I'd really rather not, but it didn't stop him.

He said there was nothing he could really say without it being a cliche. He's not ready for a relationship. I said it sounded to me like he has had so much on his plate over the last few weeks and that I was just the pressure valve that has gone off. I said that over this summer with him losing his grandad, the holiday where he couldn't wait to get home, the first term back at uni where he's not been getting on with the housemates, I have done nothing but been there and supported him. I said was it the pressure of trying to fit my visits in alongside everything else like american football and uni work etc? He said no not really. It was just that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I said but you've been thinking all summer about whether you were ready, you came back from Italy saying how much you'd missed me and you wanted to make it work. Why didn't you say something before? Why didn't you say something this weekend? He said he had tried, he had 'perservered'.

He said what else do you want me to say? I said tell me you think I'm fabulous and you want to see me. He said Well I'm glad you know you're fabulous. I said, don't give me that, if you REALLY thought that of me, you'd have done whatever to make it work.

I said I think you're incredible, I'd do anything for you. But, clearly, anything is not enough.

Time to talk about something that's been worrying me for a few weeks, at the back of my mind. I'm beginning to wonder if, perhaps, M is a bit depressed. I've been there once myself so recognise the signs. Constantly tired, can't be bothered to do anything (like going out), feeling bogged down by the minutiae of day to day life (he said he felt 'swamped' the other day - yet he doesn't *really* have anything to feel swamped by - just life!), easily irritated, isn't sleeping well, feeling 'miserable'. His housemates go out for the evening, he says he 'can't be bothered'. He says he's missing home and friends from home, and can't wait to go back for a weekend. I wonder, if I'm correct, if that's partly why he doesn't really seem to be very proactive in sorting out dates for us to meet etc. And why he's lost the excitement that was there over summer. He gives off an air of permanent ennui, but I think it might go deeper than this. In which case, what do I do to help?

Apart from these thoughts, we did actually have a pretty good weekend. So we lost the rugby and Lewis didn't win F1, but things between us were definitely better than they were last time. I left feeling a lot happier about things. We're seeing each other again at the end of the week and I hope we get to go out together for the evening just the two of us - so often recently we've been socialising with his housemates and I definitely think not spending that time together, and the conversation that comes with it, can affect how a couple behave with one another. So fingers crossed we'll be sorting it out tonight.

I've just seen a post entitled 'Why do you blog?' I think, for me the answer is just to sort my thoughts out - it helps me see things a little clearer. I wonder if there is anyone who follows the ups and downs alongside me? I guess I'll never know...

I've just sat my end of year exam for my masters degree. And... My head hurts!

Spoke to M after. Seeing him on Saturday. I hope it goes well.

Very glad I had the foresight to book tomorrow off work. I'm going to have a lie in, do a spot of shopping, maybe a light lunch. And then (piece de resistance) going for a 2.5 hour massage/ facial/ pedi/ complete bliss out! I will be all smooth and soft and smelling gorgeous, so I suppose, why shouldn't the weekend go well!

All is good. (As far as I know)

If i'm the one who makes first contact in the mornings to say hello, am I being the weak one, or would he have got in touch anyway?

If I say 'I miss you' and he replies 'I'm looking forward to seeing you' should I be pleased or wonder why he's stopped saying 'I miss you too'?

If I asked for his help on something but he didn't get back to me would I be right to be annoyed? Or if he then explained it was because he had been really busy with classes, would me being annoyed just annoy him?

Is saying to him that I don't feel like he's making the effort fair enough, or is it nagging?

If he is feeling down and 'swamped' with the things that are going on in his life, is that just a lame cop out or it is fair enough to make excuses?

Is it me that's making *too much* effort, is it because I worry if I don't, he won't either?

Should I let things wash over me, be less uptight, and go with the flow, or does that give him carte blanche to treat me like crap?

Do the little things matter or should I focus on the bigger picture?

Should the fact he is not 'happy about' seeing me on weeknights (in case I don't get back 100 miles to work in time) be taken as a sign that he is mature and considerate or should I be upset and wonder why he doesn't want to see me any and every minute that he can dammit?

Am I being too forward and expecting too much or should I just relax?

Is it normal that I think of him all the time but have a sneaking suspicion he doesn't feel the same? (cos if he did, he'd let me know, right?)

Am I being fair to myself? Or unfair to him?

I don't know where to position myself. I don't know what I should expect. I really don't know how to play this game.