I know that this might seem silly or trivial to some people. It's not been two weeks since M told me he didn't want to be in contact any more, and since then he's been as good as his word. But I'd always hoped that one day we could be friends, or at least civil, to each other again. I miss him it's true but apart from that I didn't want to A look back on this year as a waste and B look back on the things we did and feel sad or bitter - if we were still in contact, I reasoned, then that wouldn't happen.

I was encouraged by this in the fact that we were still facebook friends - that might sound silly but I took it to mean there was still one line of communication open, should we choose to use it. Well about half an hour he took me off. Deleted me.

I don't know what I have done to make him hate me so much that he now, obviously, never wants to speak to me again, and clearly can't see us ever speaking or being friends again. I am sitting here at work trying hard not to cry (failing a little) but inside I am so sad about it all. If he never really felt very serious about me and us then why on earth does he not feel able to speak to me. Or even want me as a friend. What have I done to him to make him feel that? Why am I such a bad person in his mind? How and why have I obviously affected him so much?

I just want to go home and cry. I hate London I hate being so alone, I wish I had never come down. I wish I could go back to just over a year ago, I had a great job I was living in a great house, and, more to the point, I had never met M and so I could never have felt this hurt.

Ha... Last night must have been the first Friday in ages that I didn't go out, instead I came straight home from work and was all tucked up by 10, shattered. So it follows that today is the first Saturday in ages I have woken up feeling clear headed! Just having a quick housekeeping session before I get the train up to Brum, we have a school reunion tonight - primary school! So I won't have seen some of these girls since I was 11! Really looking forward to it though, I'm sure it'll be a cheesy music, dancing round handbags kind of night. Also it means my dad and I get to have our annual garden fireworks - ok a bit late for Bonfire night I know, but this is the first evening we've been able to do it what with me living down here - and it's nice to have family traditions I think, so it will be done better late than never!

I haven't really written much this week, but there's not really much of note to write about... It's true that I am happier in London since M and I split... I can throw myself into it more. London's busier than ever in the run up to Christmas, it seems there's something going on every night. In a way I think keeping busy is helping me - but sometimes it's hard not to feel a bit lonely. The rational, sensible part of me says that in the long run the split was for the best. The hurt's slowly going, or at least becoming less noticeable. I think it's because I strongly believe that what goes around will come around - I don't know how long it'll take but for some reason I am counting on the fact that he *will* regret what he's done to me, and that the dalliance with his ex (also known as fugly, lol) won't last. Whether I'm putting too much faith into fate there who knows, but it helps!

I'm just wondering. M's delightful ex has done a few things, in the last couple of days, I am not sure if he knows about them, that makes me think she's a bit of a fruit loop.

On the one hand it's making me a bit stressed out, but on the other it makes me smile (a little) cos I think, oh well, he'll find out one day.

Hmm.

And so to bed...

I try to say yes to every opportunity that comes my way. As a determinist I feel that whatever the opportunity is, it was 'meant to be'. This thinking also helps when things go bad in my life, because it helps to comfort me on some level, as I think that I was meant to have that experience, and learn from it, which helps me move on. The point of telling you this? An australian friend, a girl who used to work in my office here in London, left us about six weeks ago to go back home to Oz. Although we didn't work together for long, we really got on well, and have kept in touch via facebook (as you do!) Anyway when i told her everything M had done, her reply was simple - Come to Australia! Come and see me! So.... How could I refuse?! In just over 2 months I'll be flying to Sydney for a fortnight - I'll have my birthday out there too which means for the first time ever I'll be spending it sunbathing on a beach instead of wrapped up warm against the snow! Because of the flight schedule, on my way out I'll have a day in San Francisco too, and on the way back I might be able to sneak a few hours on Los Angeles also. This is something I never thought I'd do and to go off to the other side of the world like this - on my own- I think will be one of the most exhilirating things I have ever done. This weekend has been spent mostly with a cocktail in my hand - an excellent night out in Brum with the girls followed by an equally top night out back down here with one of my housemates. Unfortunately I've picked up some form of virus, I haven't been able to keep anything down for 24 hours and today all I've managed is sipping some water verrry slowwwwly! It's cold and miserable outside though so in a small way I'm pleased to be warm in bed rather than fighting across london rush hour traffic. Haven't heard a word from M since last Friday when I spoke to him to say I wanted the money he owed me to be sent to me ASAP. True to his word, a cheque landed on my mat today. I was so angry by his email, when he had gone on about his ex's feelings, that I used the opportunity on Friday to ask him what exactly he meant by it and why he'd have thought for one minute I would care about what she thought. He didn't really have an answer other than saying he'd tried to use what she felt as a way to explain that it was difficult for him to keep in touch with me too. Hmm, whatever. You know when you go out in a bar or pub and you get chatting with all the other ladies in the loos while you're redoing your lipgloss? Well I remember on Friday night chatting to two completely random girls about what's going on with M. And one of them gave the best advice and it's what I'm going to follow. She said that there's nothing M would like more than for me not to agree with him about cutting off complete contact. He wants me to be gutted over it. If on the one hand he has his ex back in contact, and on the other hand he has me trying to speak to him and tell him I miss him - how much is his ego going to go through the roof!? Oh no, she said, the best thing for me to do would be to do exactly what he says he wants - radio silence. It'll confuse him. He'll see I'm getting on with my life, and, in time, when it's all gone tits up with evil ex (as we all know it WILL!) will sit there wondering why he let me go! So, thanks to that girl, it's exactly what I'm going to do. Get on with my life. And you know what? It's not as hard as I thought!

..Which is pretty bad news for a blogger. So instead, I'll let this email do the talking. Square brackets clearly all my own work. The email is from M, who, you may recall, told me 3 weeks ago that he wanted to split up because he didn't have time for a relationship right now. Funny that... cos he looks like he's getting back with her!

Hi Stella,

I thought I'd write a quick email to let you know how I'm feeling. This is incredibly difficult for me to do and I've rewritten this a thousand times.

I've recently been back in touch with [evil ex girlfriend] and have told her about what happened with us. I hadn't realised how much it had upset her [Err, so?! What does our relationship have to do with HER?], along with the problems that came up last summer [see my march/april posts]. She would find it hurtful for me to still be in contact with someone who I've been involved with [would she? why? if she was SEEING YOU YOU MEAN???] and I guess I'm finding it quite difficult, too. [So her feelings come before mine? What about if I'm feeling hurt? Who gives a shit about her anyway? Am I meant to feel sympathy?] I know it's not easy, but I really do think it's for the best that we don't continue keeping in touch. I know it's difficult, but I hope you can respect my decision. [Like you have respected me? HA]

I'm really grateful for your friendship and all your support through some difficult times. I'm sorry that it's come to this, it's not easy at all. All the best [Is this a letter from my bank manager?] for the future, I hope you stick the job out, I think you have some fantastic prospects there! It sounds like the house is going to be a really great place to be, too. I'm sure you'll do well! [Blah blah bullshit]

M

If you had 5 working days of holiday to take, what would you do with it? In theory you could have a Mon-Fri off, meaning nine whole days with no ties.

I have that much holiday to take before the end of the year and I don't know how to use it. Of course now, there is no boyfriend to go on holiday with, and I have asked pretty much every girl friend I can think of but they are either A skint, B have no holiday left or C a combination of the two!

I could stay in London, photograph, do some drumming? (Yesterday's lesson was brilliant by the way). I could go home, see the family? Travel somewhere?

What would you do?

This is an email conversation I have just had with an old friend of mine. I am sitting here at work now and have just re-read it and I think it makes for pretty depressing reading. all i have changed is the names. I don't know why i am posting this. What's the phrase, waving not drowning? I think I am drowning

______________________________
I hate my life. As in, I hate it. And I don't know what to do.

Please help?
x
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If I can be of any help, you know I will always try my best for you. But what's so bad about it babe? I know what was said about you at work by that woman, which is ridiculous and you shouldn't take it to heart. Are you enjoying London still? or are you missing your mates up here and things like that? xxx
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It is the work, it is missing the mates, it is the travel, it is too big, i dont know it like i know birmingham, i dont even know what buses to get, i am missing people, it doesnt feel like home (even the house doesnt feel like home), the work is boring, the colleagues are nice but boring, no one goes out, i have no social life, admittedly i am still really hurt after m, it is just everything i hate it, plus it's that time of year you see people walking by and i am just alone and sad and so lonely
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Stella, I'm so sorry to read what you've just put, I'm not sure it's not one for email this one, as things can always get misinterpreted. But I hadn't realised that you weren't a very happy bunny.

I have to be honest with you, I guess when a relationship ends and your mates aren't around for some moral support it's inevitable all you get down on a lot of things. I don't mean to sound like some expert but I know that sometimes even the slightest thing that can under the skin and it's just makes things seem worse. Do you not see your mate sm anymore? The move was always going to be a big one, even when it's only an hour & half from Brum. The thing is it's still such a new place for you, it would be a shame to think about leaving when you've only just started to find your feet down there.

If you ever want to talk, please let me know. I might be a bit older(!) but sometimes I can see things from a different perspective that might be helpful.

Lots of love
xxxx
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No, sm's not talking to me any more, i don't know why. We were meant to be going to italy for a few nights in sept (platonically of course!!) and the weekend before he text me to say he couldnt afford it, then i have never heard from him since despite me calling/texting/emailing absolutely tons.

t/s/p can't afford to come down. S from uni always cancels on me cos of work - eg last night - she texted at 5.30 to say she couldnt come and we were supposed to be meeting at 5.15 in covent garden.

k keeps saying she'll come down but then cant afford it either

Cos i'm not speaking to sm i cant really see the guys he lives with either cos it'd be weird

m said to me he wasnt happy and didnt have time for a relship cos he really wanted to focus on his studies and all that SHT, i just get an email from him now he says he's not been into uni at all this week, i'm like hmm yeah really focusing on your studies there then, also says he doesnt miss me, nice

no one at work wants to go out or do anything, ok maybe 3 do, one is leaving, the other 2 just wont galvanise themselves

that leaves the 3 new housemates, well altho we get on really well, tonight is the first time since we moved in on 1st OCT that we are all going to be in togther - what with holidays etc, and l only moved in last night cos she had a months rent on the old place to go, it's the first time we'll all be in together. so it'll be funny trying to get in the bathroom tomorrow morning! but seriously it just feels like i have no support, you know when you look at your phone and it's no new messages, it's like that, no one wants to see me or even cares how i am or what i'm up to, i just hate it, i dont know if i was in birmingham if things would be much different, let's just face it i have no one and no one loves me!!!

I have my first drum lesson this Sunday!

So... Where are we now? Two weeks since THAT phone call. I don't really know why I'm writing this, it's not as if there's much to report, I guess you could say it's cathartic! Since then I have...

*Gone back home for my best friend's birthday night out. It was a good night except I got tired really early because the night before I'd...
*Gone out with an old uni friend for drinks, oh and how we drinked! Ended up missing the last tube so I stayed at his (nothing happened people! well ok kisses and hugs!)
*Decided I'm going to go ahead with my dream of playing the drums. I already play the sax and piano but have always wanted to try the drums, so I thought, why not? I can afford an electronic (aka silent-to-please-the-neighbours) kit now so i'm just researching what's available and trying to book a lesson somewhere.

I've spoken to M quite a few times on text and a few phone calls too. It does feel though like he's patiently 'doing me a favour' by being in contact; whereas I'm doing it hoping to get a declaration of 'Whoops I was wrong I want you back!' Which clearly is not going to happen, I know. In fact things got a bit terse last night, I said I missed him and (glutton for punishment I know), asked if he felt the same. He refused to answer the question. Point blank. He even said things like 'I don't want to have to be blunt, please stop asking me things like that, I don't want to talk about it.' Why doesn't he want to talk about it? If there's no wrong or right answer to the question then why can't he just be truthful? If he hasn't missed me and he's the happiest he's ever been and he wishes he never met me then hell just say it! It would make my 'getting over you' process much easier!

I still think London's not for me. On Saturday there's the big fireworks show over the Thames. I'd love to go, but who with? They say 500,000 people will be lining the streets. Yet even in that half a million people I'd still be the loneliest one there. God this time of year's probably the worst one to be dumped hey!