J came back from his holiday today. I met him at his flat and he was shattered; 13 hours to get back from switzerland is no mean feat! So we spent a couple of hours together then I headed back home because I have work tomorrow and I am shattered too.

Friends will have read my private posts about my 'concerns' over the last few days. Some seemed important, some less so. And having seen him tonight, I wondered not for the first time, what the hell has made me, a 25 year old woman, so terribly and sadly insecure that even when I have met a guy as wonderful as J, I start finding problems where there are none, and picking holes where there are no loose threads. I think the answer is that the first guy I ever fell for used to cheat on me and spin me a load of lies to cover it, and me being naive and young, fell for it all. But then I felt so stupid and foolish when I realised what he'd done. Subconsciously I decided not to let a guy hurt me like that again. What did this mean in everyday life? Well since then I have always been on the defensive; questioning, checking up, not believing them, analysing every little thing.

Whether it is right or not, J is the first man I have met since then who I feel I don't have to test. Every question I ask him he gives me a straight answer, not sugar coating it but just giving me the truth. Every time I have asked him to do certain things for me (perhaps as a secret test of trustworthiness), he has done it. Basically he has passed every test. He has broken down the barriers that I put up around my heart. Tonight I realised that the time has come for me to stop playing these games and handing out these tests. Somewhere along the last few months I think I have grown up. I have got here an incredible man who I think would be able to enrich my life in ways that have never happened before. So I am going to take the bold and scary decision to open my heart to every vulnerability and see where it takes me. As of tonight the games have stopped. I could never explain this to him, but if I could write him a note I would end it with these words:

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet,
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

W.B. Yeats