I'm on the last ever Circle Line Party!

Who's with me??

...How sometimes you can find out one piece of information about someone, and it changes completely what you think of them, and your feelings towards them?

I was going to write about my sailing weekend, how I had seen J at his flat to pick up my stuff, what had been said, how I felt, what had happened later on.

But an hour ago I stumbled across a certain profile on a chat site. Oh ok I didn't stumble, I was looking, I didn't know what for, or even if there was anything to find, but I just had a hunch. And once more this Aquarius intuition proved correct because there in front of me was J's profile - sleazy, sad and more than a little pathetic. And not only was he advertising his wares to people in his new city, the page showed he had actually been an active member for over a year. I'm convinced he must have been using it while we were together.

Reading through it, at first it felt like my heart was aching, as if it was bruised. But then I started to realise that actually, despite his break-up emails making out it had all been my fault and how I wasn't the one for him, our split was really nothing to do with me. How can anyone be expected to have a successful relationship when one party is not giving it their all?

And so now, as I look at his profile, I can't help but feel how pathetic it is that a man of 32 feels he has to do this kind of thing. All of a sudden the longing feeling goes, I see him for what he really is, and no longer do I miss him.

I pity him.

Ah yeah.... Did I forget to tell you? Going for drinks after work with a tall dark handsome Aussie! Well, he is definitely an Aussie but as for the rest of it I'm taking it on trust.

It's going to be interesting...

I am going sailing and I can't wait!

I hope I enjoy it as much as I think I am going to. There is one thing that concerns me a little though...

What on EARTH am I going to do about hair and makeup?!

I really miss him.

And I wish he would want me back.

I have signed up to do a cross-channel sail in three months' time. Yes you read that right. I have never been sailing before but I have now got just over 90 days in which to get my competent crew certificate and some sailing practice in, and then I'll be off on a long weekend attempting to help crew a yacht all the way to France!

And why the hell not.

While I don't really want to get too deep and metaphorical here, the last few days of glorious sun seem to me to be a reminder that life goes on, change happens, every ending means a new beginning etc etc. I spent yesterday picnicking in Regents' park with a couple of friends, and while honestly my mind was never far from J, I did enjoy myself and managed to make it home in one piece having A- consumed an awful lot of alcohol over the course of the day yet B- not made any witching hour phone calls or texts to J due to having imbibed said alcohol, nor C- breaking down in tears. So I think that is progress.

Also as mentioned previously, J had come back to London for a night out with the gang last night and I honestly expected some kind of message from him (when you've had a few you contact the person on your mind and all that), but no texts or calls appeared. So I guess his silence speaks volumes. It's sad because even though it was only for a few months, I learnt an AWFUL lot from that relationship; for the first time I think I acted like an mature adult as opposed to a clingy paranoid girlfriend, and I am going to allow myself to be proud of that fact. Because after a few of the lying cheaters I have had in the past, I learnt the lesson that no all men are NOT the same, and punishing the new one for the mistakes of the old one is neither fair nor necessary. J helped me to see that. While I don't condone or appreciate how he ended it - by sending that email he is a coward to say the least - thankfully we had not spent so much time together that it is going to take me forever and a day to get over it. I'd like to think that at some point in the future, he will realise what we could have had, and what I was so committed to having, and wish that he could have it back. But by then of course it will be too late...

I realised yesterday that my next eight weekends are already booked in. Some effort hey! Whether it's a girly holiday to the Greek isles with my best friend, going home for some school-reunion nights out, day courses for the masters, London drinks, or going on some sailing weekends in the Solent in order to get my competent crew certificate, I have got a lot to look forward to over the next few months. Sadly before any of those can take place, I have a 2,000 word essay to write for my course. The deadline was on Friday (oops) so I had better get cracking. Is it possible to do in a day? When the sun is trying to tempt me outside?! There's only one way to find out....

Oh god this is hard I'm so useless at pretending I am cool and not bothered by all this! His best friend's girlfriend, L, (the one who helped me organise J's leaving do) rang me the other night to tell me how stupid she thought he was, which was nice of her. She said she was going to tell him so too when he comes up to london tomorrow night for their friend's party.

God I wish I was going to that party.

(Obviously as J's girlfriend and not to hear what L has to say to him!)

I am so tired and stressed (work has been terrible this week, I have even polished up my CV and started to job hunt) that I have let my masters work slide which isn't a very clever idea I know. I got an extension on an essay deadline until today, but guess what I haven't actually even started it yet, let alone completed the baackground reading for it. Balls. What am I going to do?

On a slightly cheesy note I reverted back to my teeny-bopper days last night and ventured up to Birmingham to see the backstreet boys. They were bloody awesome! And it did make me feel a little emotional thinking that the first time I saw them live was nine years ago, aged just 16. How simple things all seemed then. Sigh.