musings...

musings...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/of a 26 year old girl who doesn't really know what she wants in life, but hopes she's on the right path to find it...en-UKhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00musings...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/f4/2ca8d772fd6c211d1c54d59387a05c_160x200.jpg2 years of blogging, and...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/11/06/2-years-of-blogging-and-7316451/2009-11-06T04:00:50+01:00 <p>Hello stella_jones, </p> <p>in order to use your tags to improve the searchability of your blog posts, it has been necessary to make a few changes to the tag system.</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br> The following are your tags were deleted:</p> <p>Post Tag: m | a | s | d | j | t</p> <p>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------</p> <p>So all my blogs about guys who I identified by their first initial, have now been stripped... Meaning I will have to go through them all again, and rename them, but the question is, am I strong enough to re-read them? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/11/06/2-years-of-blogging-and-7316451/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Hello stella_jones,

in order to use your tags to improve the searchability of your blog posts, it has been necessary to make a few changes to the tag system.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following are your tags were deleted:

Post Tag: m | a | s | d | j | t

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So all my blogs about guys who I identified by their first initial, have now been stripped... Meaning I will have to go through them all again, and rename them, but the question is, am I strong enough to re-read them?

]]>51 days since my last post?http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/10/09/51-days-since-my-last-post-7133050/2009-10-09T18:47:39+02:00 <p>Crikey. I thought my absence should be rectified, so here I am, hello <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>So much has changed in these 51 days, I don't know where to start. But I haven't forgotten you. I'll update soon. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/10/09/51-days-since-my-last-post-7133050/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Crikey. I thought my absence should be rectified, so here I am, hello :wave:

:wave:

So much has changed in these 51 days, I don't know where to start. But I haven't forgotten you. I'll update soon.

]]>Some thoughtshttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/08/19/some-thoughts-6757908/2009-08-19T11:32:37+02:00 <p>I'm single<br> I'm unemployed<br> I'm bored</p> <p>It's sunny<br> I have no desire to attempt to write my thesis (even though I have paid my course fees for the year)</p> <p>I feel silly when I read back about how wonderful I thought A was (that's before I found THOSE emails)<br> But, I miss him<br> Well, I miss having someone<br> I miss having a wage!<br> I think I miss the wage more than I miss him</p> <p>I had some time away, to think<br> But I enjoyed it so much I cried when I landed and went through Heathrow passport control</p> <p>It's hard to define yourself without a job<br> I'd like to set up my own business, but doing what, I don't know<br> I don't have any capital anyway</p> <p>My last long-term relationship ended FIVE years ago<br> Since then I have never quite made it to the 4 month mark<br> Does that say something about me?<br> Or them?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/08/19/some-thoughts-6757908/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I'm single
I'm unemployed
I'm bored

It's sunny
I have no desire to attempt to write my thesis (even though I have paid my course fees for the year)

I feel silly when I read back about how wonderful I thought A was (that's before I found THOSE emails)
But, I miss him
Well, I miss having someone
I miss having a wage!
I think I miss the wage more than I miss him

I had some time away, to think
But I enjoyed it so much I cried when I landed and went through Heathrow passport control

It's hard to define yourself without a job
I'd like to set up my own business, but doing what, I don't know
I don't have any capital anyway

My last long-term relationship ended FIVE years ago
Since then I have never quite made it to the 4 month mark
Does that say something about me?
Or them?

]]>Another one bites the dusthttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/29/another-one-bites-the-dust-6610365/2009-07-29T11:54:59+02:00 <p>Another job that is!!</p> <p>Ok, time for some reflection I think... The universe is trying to teach me a lesson! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/29/another-one-bites-the-dust-6610365/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Another job that is!!

Ok, time for some reflection I think... The universe is trying to teach me a lesson!

]]>What do you do?http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/27/what-do-you-do-6598375/2009-07-27T16:27:24+02:00 <p>What do you do, when someone is being so cruel? Not sticking to promises, meeting and flirting with people behind your back, sending inappropriate emails to people they really shouldn't, saying things they really shouldn't? Upsetting you on purpose and seeming to relish in it, even though they deny all knowledge of doing it? </p> <p>What do you do, when your mother gave your father one, ten, one hundred chances, always took him back, always hoped 'this time would be different', what do you do when your actions mirror hers, and you can't seem to break the cycle? When you don't have the energy you need to say 'Stop! I will not let you do this to me?'</p> <p>What do you do when you look back on old photos and old memories and wonder how, why, when it all got so wrong? Why is he saying these hurtful things? Why won't you make it stop? Why can't I make it stop?</p> <p>How did we get so mean?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/27/what-do-you-do-6598375/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>What do you do, when someone is being so cruel? Not sticking to promises, meeting and flirting with people behind your back, sending inappropriate emails to people they really shouldn't, saying things they really shouldn't? Upsetting you on purpose and seeming to relish in it, even though they deny all knowledge of doing it?

What do you do, when your mother gave your father one, ten, one hundred chances, always took him back, always hoped 'this time would be different', what do you do when your actions mirror hers, and you can't seem to break the cycle? When you don't have the energy you need to say 'Stop! I will not let you do this to me?'

What do you do when you look back on old photos and old memories and wonder how, why, when it all got so wrong? Why is he saying these hurtful things? Why won't you make it stop? Why can't I make it stop?

How did we get so mean?

]]>Never mix business with pleasure they say...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/14/never-mix-business-with-pleasure-they-say-6513602/2009-07-14T16:57:17+02:00 <p>I'm starting to think they were right.</p> <p>It's hard work.</p> <p>And I'm still figuring it out. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/14/never-mix-business-with-pleasure-they-say-6513602/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I'm starting to think they were right.

It's hard work.

And I'm still figuring it out.

]]>Tensionhttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/08/tension-6472155/2009-07-08T14:25:07+02:00 <p>The atmosphere is still horrible, strained, tense. Why did I take this job with him? Neither of us has mentioned anything, but, more to the point, neither of us has <em>arranged</em> to mention anything. </p> <p>We are just getting on with our jobs, this thing hanging between us, with neither of us willing to make the first move.</p> <p>I think things will unravel. </p> <p>I hate this part. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/08/tension-6472155/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>The atmosphere is still horrible, strained, tense. Why did I take this job with him? Neither of us has mentioned anything, but, more to the point, neither of us has arranged to mention anything.

We are just getting on with our jobs, this thing hanging between us, with neither of us willing to make the first move.

I think things will unravel.

I hate this part.

]]>Uncovering secretshttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/uncovering-secrets-6465528/2009-07-07T14:03:47+02:00 <p>They say don't go looking, because you'll find something you don't want to see. And they're right. And you know that. But what do you do, when you're all alone, the opportunity is there, and the temptation is just too great?</p> <p>You look, that's what you do. You read the emails and scan the contents. You see what he's sent and who he's sent it to. It's all stuff you already know, no surprises, and you tell yourself you should stop. But oh, he is so far away, you have all afternoon to keep looking if you want to. And you can't tear yourself away, it's a forbidden fruit, you don't know what you're looking for.</p> <p>Until eventually, inevitably, you find it.</p> <p>A chain of emails over the last week, sent at times when he was with you, but you were in the bedroom getting ready to go out for dinner, or in the shower, or in the kitchen getting a drink.</p> <p>She started it. But then 'she' always does doesn't she? That way you can tell yourself he just fell into it, being flattered by the attention. 'She' is married, it doesn't stop her emailing him, my boyfriend, asking him to tell her again how he used to fancy her, how she has had a long day and needs cheering up. How kind of him that he decided to make her day then, with a message about how he still fancies her, and saying, if she's ever around, to give him a call.</p> <p>It goes on. You sit there on his sofa, the sick feeling in your stomach, trying to take it all in at once. Not knowing what to focus on first - the dates and times, the content, the nuances? Trying to piece it all together. The jokes about what would happen on their first and third dates. Him, my boyfriend, playfully asking what he'd get on the second. You look at the calendar and see that when he sent that, you were having a romantic night in (or so you thought). It goes on. You can imagine the rest.</p> <p>So there you are. You erase the history and stem the flow of tears. Does it mean anything? Can it be forgiven? Of course, you can't say anything to him. You were looking somewhere you had no right to look. But then, he was saying things he had no right to say. You always thought that people would never feel the need to do or say things like that to others, unless there was a problem in their own relationship. Is that how he feels? Is he not happy with you? Are you not enough? Is it just harmless flirting and nothing to worry about, or should he not be sending these messages, whatever the content, in snatched moments when you are not around? So many questions. Questions you can't ask him. Questions you can't answer.</p> <p>And to make matters worse, now, of course, you are working with him. So there you are in the office, being off with him. He's being off with you and your guilty conscience means that you're not quite sure if that's in response to your unusual behaviour, or because you didn't delete the history properly? Does he know you know? And what happens next?</p> <p>If only I could find the answers, as easily as I found those emails. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/07/07/uncovering-secrets-6465528/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>They say don't go looking, because you'll find something you don't want to see. And they're right. And you know that. But what do you do, when you're all alone, the opportunity is there, and the temptation is just too great?

You look, that's what you do. You read the emails and scan the contents. You see what he's sent and who he's sent it to. It's all stuff you already know, no surprises, and you tell yourself you should stop. But oh, he is so far away, you have all afternoon to keep looking if you want to. And you can't tear yourself away, it's a forbidden fruit, you don't know what you're looking for.

Until eventually, inevitably, you find it.

A chain of emails over the last week, sent at times when he was with you, but you were in the bedroom getting ready to go out for dinner, or in the shower, or in the kitchen getting a drink.

She started it. But then 'she' always does doesn't she? That way you can tell yourself he just fell into it, being flattered by the attention. 'She' is married, it doesn't stop her emailing him, my boyfriend, asking him to tell her again how he used to fancy her, how she has had a long day and needs cheering up. How kind of him that he decided to make her day then, with a message about how he still fancies her, and saying, if she's ever around, to give him a call.

It goes on. You sit there on his sofa, the sick feeling in your stomach, trying to take it all in at once. Not knowing what to focus on first - the dates and times, the content, the nuances? Trying to piece it all together. The jokes about what would happen on their first and third dates. Him, my boyfriend, playfully asking what he'd get on the second. You look at the calendar and see that when he sent that, you were having a romantic night in (or so you thought). It goes on. You can imagine the rest.

So there you are. You erase the history and stem the flow of tears. Does it mean anything? Can it be forgiven? Of course, you can't say anything to him. You were looking somewhere you had no right to look. But then, he was saying things he had no right to say. You always thought that people would never feel the need to do or say things like that to others, unless there was a problem in their own relationship. Is that how he feels? Is he not happy with you? Are you not enough? Is it just harmless flirting and nothing to worry about, or should he not be sending these messages, whatever the content, in snatched moments when you are not around? So many questions. Questions you can't ask him. Questions you can't answer.

And to make matters worse, now, of course, you are working with him. So there you are in the office, being off with him. He's being off with you and your guilty conscience means that you're not quite sure if that's in response to your unusual behaviour, or because you didn't delete the history properly? Does he know you know? And what happens next?

If only I could find the answers, as easily as I found those emails.

]]>When one door shuts...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/05/20/when-one-door-shuts-6146812/2009-05-20T12:43:16+02:00 <p>I have met the most lovely boy.</p> <p>I haven't wanted to blog about him before for fear of jinxing it, but I think it might be safe to now! He's a perfect gent who sent me flowers to work after our third date (and every girl loves that), has organised a weekend away to a beautiful city in Europe for this weekend, and who, bafflingly, thinks I am a lovely girl and appears to like me as much as I like him! And did I mention he's funny, intelligent, and bloody cute?! He makes it easy to be with him; I don't have to analyse texts for hidden meanings or wonder why he hasn't called. Is this how it's meant to be? I'm hoping so.</p> <p>In other news, I am still redundant(!) but trying hard to get my CV out there and calling in favours from everyone I know who might have contacts who could help me. I am constantly being surprised by the kindness of other people who take time and effort to help me. It seems sometimes that everyone has belief in me apart from myself. Maybe I should stop being so hard on myself but three redundancies down and you so start to think maybe it's something more than just bad luck! </p> <p>I reckon a long weekend away is just what I need... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/05/20/when-one-door-shuts-6146812/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I have met the most lovely boy.

I haven't wanted to blog about him before for fear of jinxing it, but I think it might be safe to now! He's a perfect gent who sent me flowers to work after our third date (and every girl loves that), has organised a weekend away to a beautiful city in Europe for this weekend, and who, bafflingly, thinks I am a lovely girl and appears to like me as much as I like him! And did I mention he's funny, intelligent, and bloody cute?! He makes it easy to be with him; I don't have to analyse texts for hidden meanings or wonder why he hasn't called. Is this how it's meant to be? I'm hoping so.

In other news, I am still redundant(!) but trying hard to get my CV out there and calling in favours from everyone I know who might have contacts who could help me. I am constantly being surprised by the kindness of other people who take time and effort to help me. It seems sometimes that everyone has belief in me apart from myself. Maybe I should stop being so hard on myself but three redundancies down and you so start to think maybe it's something more than just bad luck!

I reckon a long weekend away is just what I need...

]]>I just want to knowhttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/05/06/i-just-want-to-know-6071874/2009-05-06T21:18:54+02:00 <p>what I'm doing wrong </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/05/06/i-just-want-to-know-6071874/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>what I'm doing wrong

]]>New experienceshttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/05/03/new-experiences-6052229/2009-05-03T20:13:45+02:00 <p>Things I have done for the first time this week:</p> <p>- ridden a motorbike (pillion!)<br> - eaten lobster<br> - sang 'swing low sweet chariot' with thousands of others at a rugby game<br> - peed in the gents(!)</p> <p>What next? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/05/03/new-experiences-6052229/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Things I have done for the first time this week:

- ridden a motorbike (pillion!)
- eaten lobster
- sang 'swing low sweet chariot' with thousands of others at a rugby game
- peed in the gents(!)

What next?

]]>From hero to zerohttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/04/06/from-hero-to-zero-5898503/2009-04-06T11:25:29+02:00 <p>It always strikes me that one of the saddest things about breaking up is that you are supposed to turn off any feelings and contact with someone in the space of an instant. Half-finished conversations are left hanging, future plans are binned, and you're meant to carry on as if everything is normal, even though there's a person-shaped hole in your life.</p> <p>I find it hard to get my head round the fact that one day a guy can be lying in my bed, privy to my thoughts, my dreams, my body. The next day he can call it off and just like that I'm meant to be ok with the fact I'm never going to speak to him again. Just like that. I think, for anyone who has even the tiniest amount of compassion and who cares for other people, that this aspect of a break up is one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. It doesn't matter if you have been together months or years. Being told that with immediate effect you are supposed to turn off those feelings and that closeness, is incredibly difficult.</p> <p>I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if there IS an answer. Time? Perhaps. Space? Probably. But knowing that with time and space the person-shaped hole will gradually become smaller, doesn't help right now. The lines of communication have been jammed shut, the in-jokes and future plans have been tossed aside, and I'm expected to be just fine with it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/04/06/from-hero-to-zero-5898503/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>It always strikes me that one of the saddest things about breaking up is that you are supposed to turn off any feelings and contact with someone in the space of an instant. Half-finished conversations are left hanging, future plans are binned, and you're meant to carry on as if everything is normal, even though there's a person-shaped hole in your life.

I find it hard to get my head round the fact that one day a guy can be lying in my bed, privy to my thoughts, my dreams, my body. The next day he can call it off and just like that I'm meant to be ok with the fact I'm never going to speak to him again. Just like that. I think, for anyone who has even the tiniest amount of compassion and who cares for other people, that this aspect of a break up is one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. It doesn't matter if you have been together months or years. Being told that with immediate effect you are supposed to turn off those feelings and that closeness, is incredibly difficult.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if there IS an answer. Time? Perhaps. Space? Probably. But knowing that with time and space the person-shaped hole will gradually become smaller, doesn't help right now. The lines of communication have been jammed shut, the in-jokes and future plans have been tossed aside, and I'm expected to be just fine with it.

]]>Answer: obviously nothttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/04/01/answer-obviously-not-5870870/2009-04-01T10:28:01+02:00 <p>I got dumped! </p> <p>I don't really know what I did.</p> <p>Ok so I had a bit of a low day on Saturday (feeling down about these allergy problems and the side effects of the medicines), I had a bit of a whinge I'll admit.</p> <p>But I more than made up for it on Monday with a fabulous meal and night out I planned for him.</p> <p>I just can't believe it.</p> <p>I feel sick. I can't believe I am back to square one and I ruined something without even realising it. What the hell is wrong with me? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/04/01/answer-obviously-not-5870870/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I got dumped!

I don't really know what I did.

Ok so I had a bit of a low day on Saturday (feeling down about these allergy problems and the side effects of the medicines), I had a bit of a whinge I'll admit.

But I more than made up for it on Monday with a fabulous meal and night out I planned for him.

I just can't believe it.

I feel sick. I can't believe I am back to square one and I ruined something without even realising it. What the hell is wrong with me?

]]>Is it meant to be this easy?http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/03/26/is-it-meant-to-be-this-easy-5836799/2009-03-26T16:06:12+01:00 <p>He rings me when he says he will (and sometimes just because), he says what he means, he's happy to tell people about us, there's no game playing, he'll laugh at me when it's deserved and support me when it's needed. I wonder where's the catch then realise that (so far!) there isn't one. </p> <p>I could get used to this. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/03/26/is-it-meant-to-be-this-easy-5836799/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>He rings me when he says he will (and sometimes just because), he says what he means, he's happy to tell people about us, there's no game playing, he'll laugh at me when it's deserved and support me when it's needed. I wonder where's the catch then realise that (so far!) there isn't one.

I could get used to this.

]]>Swings and roundaboutshttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/03/24/swings-and-roundabouts-5819281/2009-03-24T11:18:37+01:00 <p>So... It's been confirmed. I'm another victim of Sir Fred 'the Shred', I'm on three months' notice (which isn't as bad as it could be I guess), and I now have the dubious honour of having had three redundancies in the five years since I've graduated. Hmm.</p> <p>However, in the 24 hours following that:</p> <p>- My dissertation proposal got approved (pending a few tweaks but that's nothing to worry about)<br> - My boyfriend (how I love saying that!) cooked me a yummy dinner and provided tea, wine, hugs and sympathy in equal measure.<br> - I was invited to a party which I'm both looking forward to and a little nervous about (seeing as I'll be meeting a couple of said boyfriend's friends, for the first time <img src="/img/smilies/graybigeek.gif" alt="88|" class="middle" border="0">)<br> - I got seen to by a consultant who, after four months of being passed around various doctors, finally took my allergic reactions seriously and signed me up for a load of tests to get to the bottom of it.</p> <p>So. I lost my job, but life goes on. Just watch me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/03/24/swings-and-roundabouts-5819281/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>So... It's been confirmed. I'm another victim of Sir Fred 'the Shred', I'm on three months' notice (which isn't as bad as it could be I guess), and I now have the dubious honour of having had three redundancies in the five years since I've graduated. Hmm.

However, in the 24 hours following that:

- My dissertation proposal got approved (pending a few tweaks but that's nothing to worry about)
- My boyfriend (how I love saying that!) cooked me a yummy dinner and provided tea, wine, hugs and sympathy in equal measure.
- I was invited to a party which I'm both looking forward to and a little nervous about (seeing as I'll be meeting a couple of said boyfriend's friends, for the first time 88| )
- I got seen to by a consultant who, after four months of being passed around various doctors, finally took my allergic reactions seriously and signed me up for a load of tests to get to the bottom of it.

So. I lost my job, but life goes on. Just watch me.

]]>Losing my mojohttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/03/11/losing-my-mojo-5737205/2009-03-11T15:43:46+01:00 <p>I'm sat here at my desk having lost any final shred of motivation or enthusiasm for the job at hand. I had a meeting this morning and was told that the redundancy process is nearly over and the final decisions will be announced a week on Monday. So I have a little under two weeks before I find out my fate, and until then/because of that I feel like I have no energy to do the jobs I'm supposed to be doing here.</p> <p>Good news though I passed all three exams last weekend and so now officially have my Coastal Skipper Theory certificate. Only six months now until the boats start the round the world race, and only just over a year until I hop on board for my leg across the Atlantic! It should be something to look forward to but with everything going on at work it seems a long way off.</p> <p>Unfortunately the ennui is also extending to my uni work. I have a deadline of Friday for my thesis proposal... But it's nowhere near ready.</p> <p>However folks, all is not lost! Hang on to your seats... It appears Stella may have found herself a plus one. Remember the boy who kissed me a month or so ago? Fast forward a few dates and a LOT more kisses; he said the 'boyfriend' word on Saturday <img src="/img/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif" alt=":>>" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/03/11/losing-my-mojo-5737205/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I'm sat here at my desk having lost any final shred of motivation or enthusiasm for the job at hand. I had a meeting this morning and was told that the redundancy process is nearly over and the final decisions will be announced a week on Monday. So I have a little under two weeks before I find out my fate, and until then/because of that I feel like I have no energy to do the jobs I'm supposed to be doing here.

Good news though I passed all three exams last weekend and so now officially have my Coastal Skipper Theory certificate. Only six months now until the boats start the round the world race, and only just over a year until I hop on board for my leg across the Atlantic! It should be something to look forward to but with everything going on at work it seems a long way off.

Unfortunately the ennui is also extending to my uni work. I have a deadline of Friday for my thesis proposal... But it's nowhere near ready.

However folks, all is not lost! Hang on to your seats... It appears Stella may have found herself a plus one. Remember the boy who kissed me a month or so ago? Fast forward a few dates and a LOT more kisses; he said the 'boyfriend' word on Saturday :>>

]]>Calling astrologists...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/calling-astrologists-5654561/2009-02-26T16:16:45+01:00 <p>Virgo man + Aquarius woman = ??? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/calling-astrologists-5654561/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Virgo man + Aquarius woman = ???

]]>I'm not good with secretshttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/i-m-not-good-with-secrets-5653703/2009-02-26T13:13:47+01:00 <p>And I'm not good when someone has a secret but won't tell me! I'm being taken out on a mystery date tonight, but I don't know where. My only clue is 'London'. I'm meeting him after work and then... who knows!</p> <p>I know he had to book it, but it's not a restaurant...</p> <p>Hmmm <img src="/img/smilies/grayconfused.gif" alt=":??:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/02/26/i-m-not-good-with-secrets-5653703/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>And I'm not good when someone has a secret but won't tell me! I'm being taken out on a mystery date tonight, but I don't know where. My only clue is 'London'. I'm meeting him after work and then... who knows!

I know he had to book it, but it's not a restaurant...

Hmmm :??:

]]>I'm not usually one to rant, but...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/02/24/i-m-not-usually-one-to-rant-but-5641563/2009-02-24T16:00:44+01:00 <p>...if I don't say something then I'm going to explode!</p> <p>1) I've put on 1.5 stones in three months thanks to some drugs I've been on as a result of an allergy. My clothes don't fit, my belly's huge, my arms don't fit in my sleeves... I know it's not strictly 'my fault' but my appetite is huge, and it's all going straight on my hips! I'd love to go for a walk or to the gym after work to try to do something about it, but another side effect of the tablets is feeling tired all the time, so after work all I want to do is go home and sleep. </p> <p>2) I've got a 50% chance of still having a job in a month's time. I'm one of those who has been selected for potential redundancy. I don't want to go on about how exhausting it is trying to find a new job because you all already know, but anyway that's the current situation.</p> <p>3) Things aren't going so well with my housemate. I found out that not only had she hid some bills from me and didn't pay them, but she even had a court summons issued for the council tax. I had to step in and sort it all out, she says she's up to date now but the landlord rang me last week to say she hasn't even paid her rent for this month, let alone March. When I asked her though she said she HAD paid. Now I feel like I can't trust her and that's not the situation you want to be in with someone you live with.</p> <p>4) Thanks to above issues, landlord is making noises about potentially not wanting my housemate to stay in the flat when the rent contract is up at the end of March. But, if she doesn't stay, either I have to move out, or I have to find someone else to move in. I don't have the energy for that. Literally (see point 1), and also considering everything that is going on with point 2.</p> <p>5) Rude friends. And those who dump you for a bloke. Those who say they would like to move in with you but decide instead to move in with their boyfriends. And the first you hear of it is a status update on Facebook. The friends who would do everything with you when they were single; now they have a boyfriend they never have time with you. Like the one I asked if she was free one Saturday in March to catch up? Reply was no, sorry, but she would 'miss' her man. We were only talking about ONE Saturday night out, not a week away!</p> <p>5) Blokes. Ok this one is going ok, I have seen the guy I met through sailing a couple of times. But things are getting to the 'taking it further stage', and I am SO uncomfortable with it. Reason - see point 1. Also the allergy I mentioned affects my looks rather seriously and I am getting low on confidence because of that too. Am sick of strangers staring at me in the street and on the tube. And I am very conscious of what the bloke must be thinking too, even though he says it doesn't bother him...</p> <p>Ok I think that's everything. For now!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/02/24/i-m-not-usually-one-to-rant-but-5641563/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>...if I don't say something then I'm going to explode!

1) I've put on 1.5 stones in three months thanks to some drugs I've been on as a result of an allergy. My clothes don't fit, my belly's huge, my arms don't fit in my sleeves... I know it's not strictly 'my fault' but my appetite is huge, and it's all going straight on my hips! I'd love to go for a walk or to the gym after work to try to do something about it, but another side effect of the tablets is feeling tired all the time, so after work all I want to do is go home and sleep.

2) I've got a 50% chance of still having a job in a month's time. I'm one of those who has been selected for potential redundancy. I don't want to go on about how exhausting it is trying to find a new job because you all already know, but anyway that's the current situation.

3) Things aren't going so well with my housemate. I found out that not only had she hid some bills from me and didn't pay them, but she even had a court summons issued for the council tax. I had to step in and sort it all out, she says she's up to date now but the landlord rang me last week to say she hasn't even paid her rent for this month, let alone March. When I asked her though she said she HAD paid. Now I feel like I can't trust her and that's not the situation you want to be in with someone you live with.

4) Thanks to above issues, landlord is making noises about potentially not wanting my housemate to stay in the flat when the rent contract is up at the end of March. But, if she doesn't stay, either I have to move out, or I have to find someone else to move in. I don't have the energy for that. Literally (see point 1), and also considering everything that is going on with point 2.

5) Rude friends. And those who dump you for a bloke. Those who say they would like to move in with you but decide instead to move in with their boyfriends. And the first you hear of it is a status update on Facebook. The friends who would do everything with you when they were single; now they have a boyfriend they never have time with you. Like the one I asked if she was free one Saturday in March to catch up? Reply was no, sorry, but she would 'miss' her man. We were only talking about ONE Saturday night out, not a week away!

5) Blokes. Ok this one is going ok, I have seen the guy I met through sailing a couple of times. But things are getting to the 'taking it further stage', and I am SO uncomfortable with it. Reason - see point 1. Also the allergy I mentioned affects my looks rather seriously and I am getting low on confidence because of that too. Am sick of strangers staring at me in the street and on the tube. And I am very conscious of what the bloke must be thinking too, even though he says it doesn't bother him...

Ok I think that's everything. For now!

]]>3 redundancies in 5 years?http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/02/10/3-redundancies-in-5-years-5546438/2009-02-10T16:42:12+01:00 <p>We've just had an internal memo saying we are making some serious redundancies; expect it to hit the press in the next few hours.</p> <p>I'll find out by the end of the week if I'm one of those affected.</p> <p>I'm only just 26; three redundancies in five years? Surely no one could be that unlucky.</p> <p>Unfortunately, I get a feeling I think I might be. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/02/10/3-redundancies-in-5-years-5546438/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>We've just had an internal memo saying we are making some serious redundancies; expect it to hit the press in the next few hours.

I'll find out by the end of the week if I'm one of those affected.

I'm only just 26; three redundancies in five years? Surely no one could be that unlucky.

Unfortunately, I get a feeling I think I might be.

]]>The end of year appraisalhttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/29/the-end-of-year-apppraisal-5468427/2009-01-29T12:05:44+01:00 <p>(Or, an hour of Stella-bashing)</p> <p>Sounds fun doesn't it? You get to sit in a freezing cold meeting room for an hour while your manager 'appraises' your performance over the last year. Of course, no one really cares what they say in the meeting, they just want to get to the last page of the booklet, your 'performance review' rating for the year. Or, in other words, 'am I getting a pay rise or do I have to continue living at this crummy salary for yet another year while all my bills increase exponentially around me?'</p> <p>Of course, what my boss doesn't know, is that I already know I've been graded as being on a pay freeze - another manager told me. So I'm not really looking forward to the next hour. I can't see much point to it. I KNOW I'm not very enthusiastic about my job - but how many times have I asked you for extra work? How many times have I told you, Mr Manager, I'm not very fulfilled - in fact I'm not fulfilled at all! But do you do anything, do you find other work for me? Let me work for another team? Implement my suggestions of different things we could do to shake things up around here? No. You just sit there, the epitome of dull middle-management, making empty promises that never come to fruition. </p> <p>This is not where I thought I'd be when I left university five years ago. But, it's not like I can just leave and walk into another job, not in this climate. (I work for a bank, remember?!) So, I work to live, I come in, I show my face, I do in an hour what takes seven hours for everyone else and for the rest of the time I just try to look busy. I get paid and with that money I do the things I ENJOY, that set me free. I sail, I travel, I study, I see friends and drink good wine! </p> <p>So, Mr Manager, I'm off to the canteen to get my tea now. When I come back I'll print off my appraisal document and we can go and sit in that meeting room and I'll pretend to give a damn about anything you have to say to me. I'll make the same noises about not being very satisfied with how this year has gone and you'll make the same promises you made all through 2008, that things are about to change, that there are new opportunities just around the corner. I'll pretend to be satisfied with that response and we'll conclude the whole sorry episode with a discussion about how, regretfully, there just isn't any money in the pot for me next year. I'll nod my head in considered understanding and say brightly 'but here's to next year!'</p> <p>But, there are no buts of course. Nothing will change, things won't be different, and every morning a little bit of me will die as I paint on the smile of a girl who, underneath, would rather be anywhere but here. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/29/the-end-of-year-apppraisal-5468427/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>(Or, an hour of Stella-bashing)

Sounds fun doesn't it? You get to sit in a freezing cold meeting room for an hour while your manager 'appraises' your performance over the last year. Of course, no one really cares what they say in the meeting, they just want to get to the last page of the booklet, your 'performance review' rating for the year. Or, in other words, 'am I getting a pay rise or do I have to continue living at this crummy salary for yet another year while all my bills increase exponentially around me?'

Of course, what my boss doesn't know, is that I already know I've been graded as being on a pay freeze - another manager told me. So I'm not really looking forward to the next hour. I can't see much point to it. I KNOW I'm not very enthusiastic about my job - but how many times have I asked you for extra work? How many times have I told you, Mr Manager, I'm not very fulfilled - in fact I'm not fulfilled at all! But do you do anything, do you find other work for me? Let me work for another team? Implement my suggestions of different things we could do to shake things up around here? No. You just sit there, the epitome of dull middle-management, making empty promises that never come to fruition.

This is not where I thought I'd be when I left university five years ago. But, it's not like I can just leave and walk into another job, not in this climate. (I work for a bank, remember?!) So, I work to live, I come in, I show my face, I do in an hour what takes seven hours for everyone else and for the rest of the time I just try to look busy. I get paid and with that money I do the things I ENJOY, that set me free. I sail, I travel, I study, I see friends and drink good wine!

So, Mr Manager, I'm off to the canteen to get my tea now. When I come back I'll print off my appraisal document and we can go and sit in that meeting room and I'll pretend to give a damn about anything you have to say to me. I'll make the same noises about not being very satisfied with how this year has gone and you'll make the same promises you made all through 2008, that things are about to change, that there are new opportunities just around the corner. I'll pretend to be satisfied with that response and we'll conclude the whole sorry episode with a discussion about how, regretfully, there just isn't any money in the pot for me next year. I'll nod my head in considered understanding and say brightly 'but here's to next year!'

But, there are no buts of course. Nothing will change, things won't be different, and every morning a little bit of me will die as I paint on the smile of a girl who, underneath, would rather be anywhere but here.

]]>21 again...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/27/21-again-5455796/2009-01-27T11:53:29+01:00 <p>...I wonder what this year will bring? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/27/21-again-5455796/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>...I wonder what this year will bring?

]]>More to life!http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/19/more-to-life-5405162/2009-01-19T13:16:27+01:00 <p>Guys I am sure you are getting as fed up as I am of these useless waste of space guys I keep encountering. Ok so they're not all entirely useless but you have to admit it seems to be one damp squib of a man after another. The date yesterday with my 'friend' (who had recently proclaimed he'd like to be more than that) was just that - a date with a friend. Sadly for him, I don't feel any fireworks - there is clearly a reason why the move from friends to something more hasn't been made in the seven years since we met, and so that is how we are going to stay, just friends!</p> <p>But yesterday, I got thinking. My next free weekend is at the end of February. Before then, I have two birthday weekends planned (one in London, one back home), I have to do my Yachtmaster Theory course, I need to get stuck into my dissertation proposal, etc etc... I don't even have time for a fella right now. But, I'm not sure that I even <em>want</em> one. At the Boat Show this weekend I met so many new people, (the majority of whom are doing a leg of the Round-The-World yacht race with me), and I quite like the fact I can flirt away without worrying if I'm going too far, or that I can go out for spontaneous drinks without thinking to myself I should check in with a lad back home.</p> <p>I've got Army/Navy rugby matches to look forward to, sailing weekends, nights out with work and friends. It's not that I just don't have time for a man but right now I don't even want one! I've got enough on right now thanks... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/19/more-to-life-5405162/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Guys I am sure you are getting as fed up as I am of these useless waste of space guys I keep encountering. Ok so they're not all entirely useless but you have to admit it seems to be one damp squib of a man after another. The date yesterday with my 'friend' (who had recently proclaimed he'd like to be more than that) was just that - a date with a friend. Sadly for him, I don't feel any fireworks - there is clearly a reason why the move from friends to something more hasn't been made in the seven years since we met, and so that is how we are going to stay, just friends!

But yesterday, I got thinking. My next free weekend is at the end of February. Before then, I have two birthday weekends planned (one in London, one back home), I have to do my Yachtmaster Theory course, I need to get stuck into my dissertation proposal, etc etc... I don't even have time for a fella right now. But, I'm not sure that I even want one. At the Boat Show this weekend I met so many new people, (the majority of whom are doing a leg of the Round-The-World yacht race with me), and I quite like the fact I can flirt away without worrying if I'm going too far, or that I can go out for spontaneous drinks without thinking to myself I should check in with a lad back home.

I've got Army/Navy rugby matches to look forward to, sailing weekends, nights out with work and friends. It's not that I just don't have time for a man but right now I don't even want one! I've got enough on right now thanks...

]]>I have a date...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/16/i-have-a-date-5389233/2009-01-16T16:11:52+01:00 <p>... On Sunday.</p> <p>Friends will know who with ;-) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/16/i-have-a-date-5389233/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>... On Sunday.

Friends will know who with ;-)

]]>Potteringhttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/08/pottering-5342980/2009-01-08T13:07:57+01:00 <p>I've been off sick from work today and yesterday. Starting to feel a little better today so I think I might go for a walk along the river. Although it's freezing the sun's come out so with any luck it'll be an energetic bracing work that will shake off the cobwebs! Tonight there's a crew drinks taking place for people who have signed up to the sailing race I'll be doing, so I need to feel better by then as I really want to go and meet some new faces!</p> <p>A topic that I'm sure is close to a few people's hearts at this time of year is how to battle with the post-Christmas bulge! I was thinking of doing the Boots 5 day detox plan for a kick start, has anyone tried it?</p> <p>Still getting a few texts from M, I don't see the point of still being in touch really but I don't want to look rude by not replying... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/08/pottering-5342980/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I've been off sick from work today and yesterday. Starting to feel a little better today so I think I might go for a walk along the river. Although it's freezing the sun's come out so with any luck it'll be an energetic bracing work that will shake off the cobwebs! Tonight there's a crew drinks taking place for people who have signed up to the sailing race I'll be doing, so I need to feel better by then as I really want to go and meet some new faces!

A topic that I'm sure is close to a few people's hearts at this time of year is how to battle with the post-Christmas bulge! I was thinking of doing the Boots 5 day detox plan for a kick start, has anyone tried it?

Still getting a few texts from M, I don't see the point of still being in touch really but I don't want to look rude by not replying...

]]>Better get writing!http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/06/sailing-masters-5332752/2009-01-06T16:46:36+01:00 <p>So, for the final time I'm getting ready to start another year of my master's course. This year is dissertation year, meaning I have to find a way to squeeze in 16-18,000 words, along with the job, the sailing etc. I've had to put forward an area of research, then over the next month I'll be pulling together a 2,000 word dissertation and research proposal. So: the broad area is Metaphysics of the Person (how flippin swanky does that sound), and for a title I'm thinking something along the lines of can determinism and personal responsibility be reconciled?</p> <p>Speaking of the sailing - take a look at the new website: <a href="http://www.clipperroundtheworld.com">http://www.clipperroundtheworld.com</a><br> Only 16 months until I begin my adventure! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/06/sailing-masters-5332752/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>So, for the final time I'm getting ready to start another year of my master's course. This year is dissertation year, meaning I have to find a way to squeeze in 16-18,000 words, along with the job, the sailing etc. I've had to put forward an area of research, then over the next month I'll be pulling together a 2,000 word dissertation and research proposal. So: the broad area is Metaphysics of the Person (how flippin swanky does that sound), and for a title I'm thinking something along the lines of can determinism and personal responsibility be reconciled?

Speaking of the sailing - take a look at the new website: http://www.clipperroundtheworld.com
Only 16 months until I begin my adventure!

]]>Textshttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/04/texts-5321205/2009-01-04T17:17:56+01:00 <p>Short answer is I really, genuinely, don't know. Long answer is a little more detailed, but not much more...</p> <p>Long answer please?</p> <p>Long answer's all the reservations from before. It's weird though. I really fancy you and think we got on awesomely, but something's not there and I don't know what. </p> <p>I didn't reply. Instead today I'm keeping busy with friends. I do have SOME self-respect, at least. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2009/01/04/texts-5321205/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Short answer is I really, genuinely, don't know. Long answer is a little more detailed, but not much more...

Long answer please?

Long answer's all the reservations from before. It's weird though. I really fancy you and think we got on awesomely, but something's not there and I don't know what.

I didn't reply. Instead today I'm keeping busy with friends. I do have SOME self-respect, at least.

]]>Questionshttp://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2008/12/31/questions-5304084/2008-12-31T16:24:03+01:00 <p>I can't quite believe he is coming. Let alone tonight, of all nights. How do we greet each other at the station? A hug? A kiss? A kiss where? What if he wishes he hadn't agreed to come down and see me? Has he told his friends and family where he's spending NYE? They must have asked him. What was their opinion? Do we hold hands? What's appropriate? I don't think I will believe he is really here until I actually see him at the station. This is crazy. I hope to god it works out. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2008/12/31/questions-5304084/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I can't quite believe he is coming. Let alone tonight, of all nights. How do we greet each other at the station? A hug? A kiss? A kiss where? What if he wishes he hadn't agreed to come down and see me? Has he told his friends and family where he's spending NYE? They must have asked him. What was their opinion? Do we hold hands? What's appropriate? I don't think I will believe he is really here until I actually see him at the station. This is crazy. I hope to god it works out.

]]>How things change in a year...http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2008/12/30/how-things-change-in-a-year-5299696/2008-12-30T20:04:45+01:00 <p>I know I haven't been on here a while but given recent developments (and the fact I'm stuck at my desk on December 30 with no work to do), I thought I'd give you an update.</p> <p>I don't really know where to begin so I guess I'll jump right in: M. You might remember him. Fell for him in a hard way in 2007, there were a few twists and turns (to say the least), but it ended with a painful split that October followed by a year of silence as his new girlfriend commanded him not to be in any sort of contact with me.</p> <p>What I didn't know however, in that period, was how often he thought of me, how he wanted to get in contact on the times he came down to London, how he'd felt guilty for how he'd treated me. How do I know this?</p> <p>Because one day in September, I got an email. He'd just come back from some time abroad, was no longer with the girlfriend, and had 'had chance to do a bit of thinking' while he was away. He said how he had treated me had played on his mind, knew he was 'totally out of order', and offered his apologies.</p> <p>I was so shocked to receive that email. Shocked, surprised, happy. And all those old feelings came back. They had never really gone away, to be fair. Since then? I've seen him for a coffee, which turned into an overnight stay (and before you ask, nothing happened!). We've stayed up late talking on numerous occasions and I can honestly say I have never felt so open with anyone before. He says the feeling's mutual; he's definitely answered all my questions, the many whys and the whens, with frankness.</p> <p>You might remember how torturous last New Year's Eve was for me, when the hurt I'd suffered over the year (and, admittedly, the drink) added up to a night of tears which started at 12.01 and I thought would never stop. My heart felt truly broken and I thought I'd never escape from such a low place.</p> <p>Fast forward a year, exactly. Guess what? He is coming to London to spend New Year's Eve with me. His idea. We'll go to Big Ben and watch the fireworks. My idea. But the biggest surprise of all? He says he wants to give us another try. He says our problems last time were his fault because he was 'useless' and all over the place, but this time he wants to make it, us, work. He says if I'm not sure then there's no need to rush things, that we can take all the time I need. He just wants me to agree to giving us a try.</p> <p>I want to believe him. A bit of me feels cautious but I know as soon as I see him that feeling will melt away. He's everything I want in a guy yet our past makes me think I ought to be sensible. But should I? On the most magical night of them all, would it be too hard to believe that just a little bit of the magic could come my way? On the last day of the year, isn't it finally time for my happy ending?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2008/12/30/how-things-change-in-a-year-5299696/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I know I haven't been on here a while but given recent developments (and the fact I'm stuck at my desk on December 30 with no work to do), I thought I'd give you an update.

I don't really know where to begin so I guess I'll jump right in: M. You might remember him. Fell for him in a hard way in 2007, there were a few twists and turns (to say the least), but it ended with a painful split that October followed by a year of silence as his new girlfriend commanded him not to be in any sort of contact with me.

What I didn't know however, in that period, was how often he thought of me, how he wanted to get in contact on the times he came down to London, how he'd felt guilty for how he'd treated me. How do I know this?

Because one day in September, I got an email. He'd just come back from some time abroad, was no longer with the girlfriend, and had 'had chance to do a bit of thinking' while he was away. He said how he had treated me had played on his mind, knew he was 'totally out of order', and offered his apologies.

I was so shocked to receive that email. Shocked, surprised, happy. And all those old feelings came back. They had never really gone away, to be fair. Since then? I've seen him for a coffee, which turned into an overnight stay (and before you ask, nothing happened!). We've stayed up late talking on numerous occasions and I can honestly say I have never felt so open with anyone before. He says the feeling's mutual; he's definitely answered all my questions, the many whys and the whens, with frankness.

You might remember how torturous last New Year's Eve was for me, when the hurt I'd suffered over the year (and, admittedly, the drink) added up to a night of tears which started at 12.01 and I thought would never stop. My heart felt truly broken and I thought I'd never escape from such a low place.

Fast forward a year, exactly. Guess what? He is coming to London to spend New Year's Eve with me. His idea. We'll go to Big Ben and watch the fireworks. My idea. But the biggest surprise of all? He says he wants to give us another try. He says our problems last time were his fault because he was 'useless' and all over the place, but this time he wants to make it, us, work. He says if I'm not sure then there's no need to rush things, that we can take all the time I need. He just wants me to agree to giving us a try.

I want to believe him. A bit of me feels cautious but I know as soon as I see him that feeling will melt away. He's everything I want in a guy yet our past makes me think I ought to be sensible. But should I? On the most magical night of them all, would it be too hard to believe that just a little bit of the magic could come my way? On the last day of the year, isn't it finally time for my happy ending?

]]>Blimey I passed!http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/blimey-i-passed-5189052/2008-12-09T12:11:06+01:00 <p>Have just found out that I've passed the second year of my master's course. So I *just* have to polish off an 18,000 word dissertation next year and I'll have an MA (Phil) after my name, pretty impressive I would say considering I've been juggling it with the job, the sailing, the general pace of London life! </p> <p>Can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to going home for a week at Christmas. The combined stress of the job, the interviews, (I'm through to the second round by the way), the boys, house hunting, money worries, this year really has brought it all. Not that I'd have wanted it any other way however, I tell myself that the reason it currently feels like 'one thing after another' is because I'm getting all this angst out of the way, because one day, maybe in 2009, things are going to get easier. And smoother too. Yes, a lot smoother please. I want a job I enjoy and can stay in for a few years, I want a house or flat, ok maybe I won't be able to buy it but even if I could just rent it for more than a year, that'd be a start. Stability. I want a man, someone to love. Someone to love me. It's been over three years since someone said that to me. I miss it. But hopefully I won't have to wait too much longer. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://stellainthecity.blog.co.uk/2008/12/09/blimey-i-passed-5189052/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Have just found out that I've passed the second year of my master's course. So I *just* have to polish off an 18,000 word dissertation next year and I'll have an MA (Phil) after my name, pretty impressive I would say considering I've been juggling it with the job, the sailing, the general pace of London life!

Can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to going home for a week at Christmas. The combined stress of the job, the interviews, (I'm through to the second round by the way), the boys, house hunting, money worries, this year really has brought it all. Not that I'd have wanted it any other way however, I tell myself that the reason it currently feels like 'one thing after another' is because I'm getting all this angst out of the way, because one day, maybe in 2009, things are going to get easier. And smoother too. Yes, a lot smoother please. I want a job I enjoy and can stay in for a few years, I want a house or flat, ok maybe I won't be able to buy it but even if I could just rent it for more than a year, that'd be a start. Stability. I want a man, someone to love. Someone to love me. It's been over three years since someone said that to me. I miss it. But hopefully I won't have to wait too much longer.

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