musings...

Things I have done for the first time this week:

- ridden a motorbike (pillion!)
- eaten lobster
- sang 'swing low sweet chariot' with thousands of others at a rugby game
- peed in the gents(!)

What next?

It always strikes me that one of the saddest things about breaking up is that you are supposed to turn off any feelings and contact with someone in the space of an instant. Half-finished conversations are left hanging, future plans are binned, and you're meant to carry on as if everything is normal, even though there's a person-shaped hole in your life.

I find it hard to get my head round the fact that one day a guy can be lying in my bed, privy to my thoughts, my dreams, my body. The next day he can call it off and just like that I'm meant to be ok with the fact I'm never going to speak to him again. Just like that. I think, for anyone who has even the tiniest amount of compassion and who cares for other people, that this aspect of a break up is one of the hardest things they will ever have to go through. It doesn't matter if you have been together months or years. Being told that with immediate effect you are supposed to turn off those feelings and that closeness, is incredibly difficult.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if there IS an answer. Time? Perhaps. Space? Probably. But knowing that with time and space the person-shaped hole will gradually become smaller, doesn't help right now. The lines of communication have been jammed shut, the in-jokes and future plans have been tossed aside, and I'm expected to be just fine with it.

I got dumped!

I don't really know what I did.

Ok so I had a bit of a low day on Saturday (feeling down about these allergy problems and the side effects of the medicines), I had a bit of a whinge I'll admit.

But I more than made up for it on Monday with a fabulous meal and night out I planned for him.

I just can't believe it.

I feel sick. I can't believe I am back to square one and I ruined something without even realising it. What the hell is wrong with me?

He rings me when he says he will (and sometimes just because), he says what he means, he's happy to tell people about us, there's no game playing, he'll laugh at me when it's deserved and support me when it's needed. I wonder where's the catch then realise that (so far!) there isn't one.

I could get used to this.

So... It's been confirmed. I'm another victim of Sir Fred 'the Shred', I'm on three months' notice (which isn't as bad as it could be I guess), and I now have the dubious honour of having had three redundancies in the five years since I've graduated. Hmm.

However, in the 24 hours following that:

- My dissertation proposal got approved (pending a few tweaks but that's nothing to worry about)
- My boyfriend (how I love saying that!) cooked me a yummy dinner and provided tea, wine, hugs and sympathy in equal measure.
- I was invited to a party which I'm both looking forward to and a little nervous about (seeing as I'll be meeting a couple of said boyfriend's friends, for the first time )
- I got seen to by a consultant who, after four months of being passed around various doctors, finally took my allergic reactions seriously and signed me up for a load of tests to get to the bottom of it.

So. I lost my job, but life goes on. Just watch me.

I'm sat here at my desk having lost any final shred of motivation or enthusiasm for the job at hand. I had a meeting this morning and was told that the redundancy process is nearly over and the final decisions will be announced a week on Monday. So I have a little under two weeks before I find out my fate, and until then/because of that I feel like I have no energy to do the jobs I'm supposed to be doing here.

Good news though I passed all three exams last weekend and so now officially have my Coastal Skipper Theory certificate. Only six months now until the boats start the round the world race, and only just over a year until I hop on board for my leg across the Atlantic! It should be something to look forward to but with everything going on at work it seems a long way off.

Unfortunately the ennui is also extending to my uni work. I have a deadline of Friday for my thesis proposal... But it's nowhere near ready.

However folks, all is not lost! Hang on to your seats... It appears Stella may have found herself a plus one. Remember the boy who kissed me a month or so ago? Fast forward a few dates and a LOT more kisses; he said the 'boyfriend' word on Saturday

Virgo man + Aquarius woman = ???

And I'm not good when someone has a secret but won't tell me! I'm being taken out on a mystery date tonight, but I don't know where. My only clue is 'London'. I'm meeting him after work and then... who knows!

I know he had to book it, but it's not a restaurant...

Hmmm

...if I don't say something then I'm going to explode!

1) I've put on 1.5 stones in three months thanks to some drugs I've been on as a result of an allergy. My clothes don't fit, my belly's huge, my arms don't fit in my sleeves... I know it's not strictly 'my fault' but my appetite is huge, and it's all going straight on my hips! I'd love to go for a walk or to the gym after work to try to do something about it, but another side effect of the tablets is feeling tired all the time, so after work all I want to do is go home and sleep.

2) I've got a 50% chance of still having a job in a month's time. I'm one of those who has been selected for potential redundancy. I don't want to go on about how exhausting it is trying to find a new job because you all already know, but anyway that's the current situation.

3) Things aren't going so well with my housemate. I found out that not only had she hid some bills from me and didn't pay them, but she even had a court summons issued for the council tax. I had to step in and sort it all out, she says she's up to date now but the landlord rang me last week to say she hasn't even paid her rent for this month, let alone March. When I asked her though she said she HAD paid. Now I feel like I can't trust her and that's not the situation you want to be in with someone you live with.

4) Thanks to above issues, landlord is making noises about potentially not wanting my housemate to stay in the flat when the rent contract is up at the end of March. But, if she doesn't stay, either I have to move out, or I have to find someone else to move in. I don't have the energy for that. Literally (see point 1), and also considering everything that is going on with point 2.

5) Rude friends. And those who dump you for a bloke. Those who say they would like to move in with you but decide instead to move in with their boyfriends. And the first you hear of it is a status update on Facebook. The friends who would do everything with you when they were single; now they have a boyfriend they never have time with you. Like the one I asked if she was free one Saturday in March to catch up? Reply was no, sorry, but she would 'miss' her man. We were only talking about ONE Saturday night out, not a week away!

5) Blokes. Ok this one is going ok, I have seen the guy I met through sailing a couple of times. But things are getting to the 'taking it further stage', and I am SO uncomfortable with it. Reason - see point 1. Also the allergy I mentioned affects my looks rather seriously and I am getting low on confidence because of that too. Am sick of strangers staring at me in the street and on the tube. And I am very conscious of what the bloke must be thinking too, even though he says it doesn't bother him...

Ok I think that's everything. For now!

We've just had an internal memo saying we are making some serious redundancies; expect it to hit the press in the next few hours.

I'll find out by the end of the week if I'm one of those affected.

I'm only just 26; three redundancies in five years? Surely no one could be that unlucky.

Unfortunately, I get a feeling I think I might be.